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• Ridiculous Band Names: Honorable Mentions


• Addressing Various Other Questions Regarding Hotness


• Upcoming Marvel Storylines Now that Captain America Has Surrendered...and Died


• Miss Hazell, I Would Never Post Our Sex Video on the Internet


• Proof I Should Be Given Work as a Headline Writer for The Onion


• Letters I Sent to 'Dear Abby,' But Were Never Published for Some Reason


• Victory Speech


• Personal Profiles of Women in Dating Service Banner Ads


• No Offense, But I'd Really Rather Not See These Nude Pictures of Your Mother


• Hate Letters


• An Open Letter to Model Keeley Hazell


• Quickies


• MW FAQ: Summer Skin Care


• Renowned Child Psychologist Dr. Helmut Weller Introduces His New Disciplinary Technique in a Late-Night Infomercial


• A Helpful Brochure from Your Doctor's Office: So, You've Been Cursed


• Presenting: Your 2006 Horoscope


• An Excerpt From My Upcoming Novel About a Robot Who Believes He Is Dying of Cholera


• Form Letter


• How to Shoot an Apple off of a Man's Head From A Hundred Yards


• Some Haikus I Wrote


• A Film Critic Who Is Slowly Turning Into a Zombie Discusses This Summer's Blockbusters


• A Loving Tribute to My Personal Hero


• Consumer Product Ideas I Genuinely Believe Will One Day Make Me a Million Dollars


• A Thorough Examination of the State of Our World Today


• Transcript of the President of the Hip-Hop Council's Keynote Address at This Year's State of Hip-Hop Convention


• Monkey See


• An Exciting Ad for NBC's Newest Hit Game Show


• From the Brochure For the Cliche Institute, Found in the Visitors' Center Kiosk


• Opening Band


• Love and Dr Pepper