The MW Blog http://mw.the-iss.com/ Full of whimsy and wonder and initials. en Copyright 2008 Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:11:19 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Things That Can Be Worn On And About The Head, Part 2 toupee.jpg
BOWLER
The trouble with bowler hats is that they have this reputation. The reputation being, of course, that they are only worn by silent film comedians and comedy duos of the early talkie period. A fine group to say the least, but pretty limiting. I know, I know, that's not the truth about bowlers, you're telling me. A versatile group of everyday gentlemen, just like you or I, wear bowler hats on a regular basis. Why, I'm wearing a bowler hat right now, you say. Well, I'm sorry, but I must assume you're Stan Laurel. I simply can't change that. Minus 3 bullets.

TOUPEE/WIG
Here's the good thing about toupees and wigs: They are hilarious. No matter what the context, a grown man in a pink wig is just damn funny. He could be telling you he just got diagnosed with Crohn's disease and it wouldn't matter, because he would be wearing a pink wig. Toupees are funny on a slightly different level; you have to first notice that it's a toupee and then find all the obvious discrepancies between hair colors and snicker when it moves. Either way, both are hilarious, and I commend those brave souls who wear them. Plus 4 bullets.

]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/11/things_that_can_be_worn_on_and_1.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/11/things_that_can_be_worn_on_and_1.php OPINIONS Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:11:19 -0500 Responses to Statements Expressed in Spam Subject Lines
Cathy O. Lyon wrote:

The guys get jealous now when they see me in the bathroom
Well, Cathy, those shoes are really nice. _______________________________________________ Brandi J. Gunn wrote:
Your new, bigger penis is only 5-6 mths away
Oh shit. I thought the order form said pines. Boy, is my face red. _______________________________________________ Bob Spinder wrote:
Hey Kent Check Out This Watch
Why can't you check out the watch? Is there something wrong with your eyes, Bob? And when did you start using the accent of a 1920s-style newspaper salesboy?]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/09/responses_to_statements_expres.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/09/responses_to_statements_expres.php MAILBAG Tue, 18 Sep 2007 22:27:14 -0500 MW is bax! The International Society of Supervillains. Despite being forced into a humor-writing labor camp and being fed my own toenails for every meal, it's turning into a pretty good working relationship, I think. Anyway, I'm asking you fine folks to help me out and let me know if there are any major bugs or broken links or other problems on the blog now that I've moved it. I know that most of the old comments are gone (not sure why), which is a shame. So if you're that Australian rapper I made fun of that one time who left me a comment saying I have a smooth anus, please, do so again. But if there's anything else, by all means shoot me an e-mail at the.mwb@gmail.com.]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/09/mw_is_bax.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/09/mw_is_bax.php NEWS Mon, 10 Sep 2007 23:49:27 -0500 Things That Can Be Worn On And About the Head, Part 1 hat.jpg
TOP HAT
Here's what makes top hats so awesome: Evil villains or tap dancers or oil tycoons or Abraham Lincoln can wear them and, you know what, it just seems right. Top hats are some damnably versatile that I wouldn't doubt that some famous actor, say, a Matthew McConaughey, couldn't just go out and wear one and not be the talk of the town. Folks, they would say, have you seen that fella McConaughey? He sure does look mighty spiffy in that velvety top hat of his. And you know what? They wouldn't be wrong. So, come on, guy. Do it for the people. Plus 7 bullets.

BASEBALL CAP
By itself, and worn properly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the conventional baseball cap. In fact, I couldn't imagine a baseball player in anything else, except maybe a top hat. But like so many other things in today's society, people have had to go and ruin something that's pure and simple and good. People wore them backwards and that was one thing. It was acceptable. But then it was sideways. And then upside down. And then with the tags still on them. And worst of all, intentionally frayed and torn. You ruined baseball caps, guys who buy them already all beaten up. I hope you're proud of yourselves. Minus 4 bullets.

]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/09/things_that_can_be_worn_on_and.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/09/things_that_can_be_worn_on_and.php OPINIONS Wed, 05 Sep 2007 22:11:17 -0500 What the hell happened to me? You may have been wondering if I had died sometime over the past few weeks. I didn't. No, instead I have been working on a super-secret special project that I'll be telling you about soon. Also, I went to Lollapalooza. (Daft Punk was ridiculously awesome.) New stuff soon, promise. -------- http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/08/what_the_hell_happened_to_me.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/08/what_the_hell_happened_to_me.php NEWS Tue, 07 Aug 2007 23:12:43 -0500 Writing Utensils

PENCILS
The major convenience of pencils actually has nothing to do with the writing utensil itself. Rather, it has more to do with the ability to discard your writing fuck-ups and comes on the entire other end of the thing. To say that a pencil is a worthwhile writing utensil because of the eraser is like saying it would be nice to have some kind of knife with a alcohol-soaked cotton ball on the end. If you accidentally stab your mother (don't ask my why that would happen, you did it), you've got some first aid right there. Well, that doesn't really have anything to do with the knife. The problems with pencils, on the other hand, are myriad. First, there's the sharpening, which often doesn't work right and makes you end up with a nub or one of those situations where the lead is only on one side of the tip. Or you can use mechanical pencils, which come in one of two types: 1) the cheap kind with the erasers so bad you might as well not even use a pencil, or 2) the expensive ones that make you look like a douche when you use them. Face it, you can't win with pencils. Minus 5 bullets.

PENS
Here's the best thing about a good pen: when used properly, you can raise your asshole quotient substantially without really doing much of anything. And I mean that in a good way. Let me give you an example. Let's say you just picked up the day's New York Times because you like drawing mustaches on Condoleeza Rice and there's a nice big picture of her on the front page. You draw a huge curly mustache under her nose and head to work with the newspaper under your arm. When you get there, you walk into the break room and pour yourself a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, you overhear two of your co-workers who you hate talking about last night's "So You Think You Can Stuff a Whole Bunch of Bananas Into Your Anus" or something. Just to piss them off, you take a seat right down at the table next to them and flip to the Times crossword. You then yank your fancy Mont Blanc and start filling in the puzzle. Disgusted, they leave, thinking you're a pompous prick who doesn't think he ever makes a mistake (and also much smarter than them). And even though you've been filling in each answer with the word "SCROTY" (or "SCROTYBOATS" depending on the number of letters) you've managed to fill them with contempt. Congratulations! Plus 4 bullets.

]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/writing_utensils.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/writing_utensils.php OPINIONS Mon, 23 Jul 2007 21:18:47 -0500 Subject: Celebrity Photos
PR Photos wrote:

Hello,
Smello to you! You see what I did there? I took a traditional greeting and changed the first letter(s) to make it include the word "smell!" And smell is what poop does! Bits of hilariousness like that are why CRACKED pays me the big bucks (nothing)! Anyway, continue.
I came across your website today and I was curious to know if you have any need for celebrity photos?
That's...like...um...not a question? I guess you're, like, writing e-mails now that, um, ape that method of speech some people have where their statements go up at the end? Because that's so persuasive and reassuring? But to answer your statement, it depends. Are the celebrities having sex? Nude? With celebrity nudity? Because, in that case, no. I can get those pictures anywhere. Internet and all. Still, it's interesting that you just came across my site. It's weird coincidence, because I actually just came all over it.]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/subject_celebrity_photos.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/subject_celebrity_photos.php MAILBAG Fri, 20 Jul 2007 23:39:35 -0500 A Listing Of Words You Should Attempt To Shoehorn Into Everyday Conversation
boondoggle hornswaggle boonswaggle horndoggle Swayze-esque quintillion crabtacular the vapors hoboner diskette crotchety fantastical ho-bag elevenish pantstacular ribaldry chicktionary pusillanimity smershy PaulStanleyish cometfucker endgame pinchy-pinch-pinch lunch castigatoy booboisie Millard Fillmore --------]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/a_listing_of_words_you_should.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/a_listing_of_words_you_should.php GAMES Tue, 17 Jul 2007 22:32:53 -0500 Capsule Reviews for Comics I Bought on 7/6/07 Yeah! - A great comic all around. Definitely worth buying, just like this high-quality MW merchandise, available now! (Smoooth.) Heh. - Pretty entertaining. Give it a read if you have a chance. Eh? - Confusing. I'm not really sure if it's bad or good, honestly. Meh. - Not particularly exciting. Bleh. - Terrible. All-Star Superman #8 I love this issue, if for no other reason than this one panel:
Apparently that one Bizarro guy speaks exclusively in sarcasm, which means that in all likelihood I am a Bizarro myself. In addition, the plot is full of cool, crazy ideas and the art is as pretty as ever. Just like every other issue of this series, it's a hell of a lot of fun, and it's the best Superman I've pretty much ever read. Rating: Yeah! The Irredeemable Ant-Man #10 Just like pretty much every other Marvel book of the past month or so, this issue crosses over with the big punch-up known as World War Hulk, but instead of taking itself all super-seriously like some titles I won't name *cough*FrontLine*cough*, this one sort of serves as a parody of the whole thing. Here, the new Ant-Man finds himself inside the Hulk's digestive system, where everything is as indestructible as it is on the outside. It all seems a little shoehorned into the overall plot of the series, but it's a fun little diversion anyway. Rating: Heh.]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/capsule_reviews_for_comics_i_b_5.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/capsule_reviews_for_comics_i_b_5.php REVIEWS Sun, 08 Jul 2007 15:53:09 -0500 Subject: Fwd: YOUR LETTER
Dionne Comer wrote:
As a business you have been preapproved to receive 38575 USD TODAY!
What about as a private individual? A miserable failure? An abstract concept, like ambivalence? If you're going to tell me what I'm being offered as a business, you've got to give me some other options. And before I go any further, I feel compelled to note that Ms. Comer's e-mail address is one of the craziest things I have ever seen: Angelitamartinezalbatross@aiga.org. That's right. Angelita Martinez Albatross. I think I've finally got the name of my female lead in the next exciting installment of "The Continuing Adventures of Copernicus Jones: Robot Detective."]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/subject_fwd_your_letter.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/07/subject_fwd_your_letter.php MAILBAG Thu, 05 Jul 2007 23:24:36 -0500 Euphemisms for Male Genitalia
FAMILY JEWELS
There's something inherently creepy about calling one's reproductive organs their "family jewels," for a few reasons. First, it seems to imply that they have become petrified, rock or gem-like, and possibly sharp-edged. Secondly, it brings to mind this whole idea that they've been passed down over generations, like this was your father's penis, and his father's before him. The thought of my dad handing me over his genitals on a velvet pillow isn't exactly the most appealing thing that's ever entered my head. And lastly, it attributes a value to those parts that is simply too high. Sure, I value that stuff as much as any dude, but I'd rather not put them under glass, so as to never be used, even when I have the most prestigious house guests. Minus 6 bullets.

JUNK
Sort of the anti-"family jewels," the term "junk" has the opposite problem, in that it de-values the genitals to the point of something Sanford & Son would pick up off the side of the road and sell with an old sink. Luckily, the word "junk" is inherently funny, thus making any reference to "some dude's junk in your mouth" or an exhortation to "watch the junk" hilarious. Plus 4 bullets.

]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/euphemisms_for_male_genitalia.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/euphemisms_for_male_genitalia.php OPINIONS Sat, 30 Jun 2007 18:52:10 -0500 Ridiculous Band Names: Honorable Mentions 25 worst band names in rock history on the CRACKED.com humor web page site. I wrote it. But not all the bands I wanted to put on the list made the cut, so I thought that I'd include bands 26-30, just to make a few people angrier about how the explanation for how the band got its name (which I pulled off Wikipedia) is wrong.

Phish

The story: The band's drummer's last name was Fishman, and somehow that ended up turning into Phish. According to singer Trey Anastasio, they made the F a Ph as a "marketing ploy." Assholes! Why it's ridiculous: Intentionally misspelling a word is bad enough, but making an "f" into a "ph" is the absolute worst. It’s like an inside joke that no one’s actually in on. Doing something like replacing an "s" with a "z" is simply retarded, but replacing an "f" with a "ph" carries this whole winking, faux-intelligent veneer of unabashed wankery that pretty much exemplifies this band, which is basically one big wank itself. Phuck them.

]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/ridiculous_band_names_honorabl.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/ridiculous_band_names_honorabl.php WRITINGS Wed, 27 Jun 2007 21:43:20 -0500 Movie Re-Cuts: Summer of Sequels!
]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/movie_recuts_summer_of_sequels.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/movie_recuts_summer_of_sequels.php PHOTOSHOPS Mon, 25 Jun 2007 22:11:55 -0500 MW sto, fa sho. cafepress.com. Most of what's on there is slightly altered versions of the hyper-ironic t-shirts, so now they look kinda like this: Are they overpriced? You bet they are! Go buy 'em anyway! I'll thank you for it. Also, if there's anything you'd like to see made into a t-shirt (or a coffee mug, or a mousepad, or some underwear), leave a comment promising to buy it and I'll try to whip it up for you. --------]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/mw_sto_fa_sho.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/mw_sto_fa_sho.php NEWS Sat, 23 Jun 2007 03:46:12 -0500 The best thing I have seen in some time. Simply astonishing. --------]]> http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/the_best_thing_i_have_seen_in.php http://mw.the-iss.com/2007/06/the_best_thing_i_have_seen_in.php NEWS Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:22:53 -0500