The MW Blog

Things That Can Be Worn On And About The Head, Part 2

2007-11-02T03:11:19Z

BOWLER

The trouble with bowler hats is that they have this reputation. The reputation being, of course, that they are only worn by silent film comedians and comedy duos of the early talkie period. A fine group to say the least, but pretty limiting. I know, I know, that's not the truth about bowlers, you're telling me. A versatile group of everyday gentlemen, just like you or I, wear bowler hats on a regular basis. Why, I'm wearing a bowler hat right now, you say. Well, I'm sorry, but I must assume you're Stan Laurel. I simply can't change that. Minus 3 bullets.

TOUPEE/WIG

Here's the good thing about toupees and wigs: They are hilarious. No matter what the context, a grown man in a pink wig is just damn funny. He could be telling you he just got diagnosed with Crohn's disease and it wouldn't matter, because he would be wearing a pink wig. Toupees are funny on a slightly different level; you have to first notice that it's a toupee and then find all the obvious discrepancies between hair colors and snicker when it moves. Either way, both are hilarious, and I commend those brave souls who wear them. Plus 4 bullets.

]]> HELMET Listen, I don't much like the idea of being the guy who is contrarian toward those road safety videos we all had to watch in elementary school, but I'm just going to put this out there. Helmets never look good. I don't care if it's motorcycle, bicycle, skateboard, whatever, they look goofy. They'll always look goofy and there's nothing you can do about it. Sure, you can take some steps, like making sure the straps don't hang down, but it's like trying to soak up the ocean with a washcloth. It's simply futile. Minus 5 bullets.

COWL

Who wears a cowl? Batman does. I rest my case. Plus 7 bullets.

ONE OF THOSE FRUIT HATS

Why put fruit on a hat? This I simply cannot comprehend. Yes, I know Carmen Miranda got really famous for wearing fruit on her hat and now she appears on fine bananas, but, to put it simply, that's not what fruit was made for. I mean, I could go around wearing a cheeseburger on my head all day, and that wouldn't be any better. In fact, I would probably be constantly fighting off bird attacks. I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened with the fruit. Or what if you got stranded on a desert island? Don't you think the person with the fruit hat would be the first one eaten? You've already got a side dish right there. Minus 6 bullets.

A REFLECTY DOCTOR THING

The more I think about this, the more I'm going to constantly carry one of these around with me, so that if anyone I know ever gets knocked unconscious I can pull this thing out, strap it to my head and make sure they see the reflected light on the circular thing on my head, making them think I am a doctor from the 1950s or 60s come to resuscitate them, when in fact, I am just MW, and I am laughing at them. I am a dick. Plus 4 bullets.

I really hope this was worth the two-month wait. --------

Responses to Statements Expressed in Spam Subject Lines

2007-09-19T02:27:14Z

Cathy O. Lyon wrote:

The guys get jealous now when they see me in the bathroom

Well, Cathy, those shoes are really nice. _______________________________________________ Brandi J. Gunn wrote:

Your new, bigger penis is only 5-6 mths away

Oh shit. I thought the order form said pines. Boy, is my face red. _______________________________________________ Bob Spinder wrote:

Hey Kent Check Out This Watch

Why can't you check out the watch? Is there something wrong with your eyes, Bob? And when did you start using the accent of a 1920s-style newspaper salesboy?]]> Did you know.. 88% of ladies want a man that is big, they say its more fulfilling Oh, you want big? I'll show you big. _______________________________________________ Mady Benton wrote:

Here's your free ebook on how YOU can easily generate money with your computer!

Step 1: Get a computer from the U.S. Mint. Step 2: Buy the big printing machines from the U.S. Mint. Step 3: $$$$$$$! _______________________________________________ Janet G. Noel wrote:

I just started dating a guy I like, but his member is on the small side and doesn't really satisfy me

Joni Z. Driscoll wrote:

When I tried to give him oral sex, I practically choked. How do I do it without gagging? Please help!

Um...switch? Alternate solution: Date each other. _______________________________________________ Michael E. Horn wrote:

why not stand out from the crowd and enlarge your manhood

I'm not sure I want to stand in this crowd to begin with. _______________________________________________ eage wrote:

Stop paying for games

Will do. My decoy MW and giant trenchcoat are purchased, and I'm on my way to Gamestop right now. If I get arrested, I'm assuming you'll back me up. _______________________________________________ Paul Hartnett wrote:

Secrets to buying in Mexican Caribbean

Step 1: Hire some Cuban gangsters to do your dirty work. Step 2: Double-cross said gangsters. Step 3: $$$$$! _______________________________________________ Simon L. Delgado wrote:

A girl once told me i was too small..

I used to get that too. But, I repeat: _______________________________________________ If you would like to send me an e-mail about how male genitalia is alternately too large or too small, do so here. --------

MW is bax!

2007-09-11T03:49:27Z

Hey errbody. As you can see, I have now finally transferred this old rickety blog over to my new home with The International Society of Supervillains. Despite being forced into a humor-writing labor camp and being fed my own toenails for every meal, it's turning into a pretty good working relationship, I think. Anyway, I'm asking you fine folks to help me out and let me know if there are any major bugs or broken links or other problems on the blog now that I've moved it. I know that most of the old comments are gone (not sure why), which is a shame. So if you're that Australian rapper I made fun of that one time who left me a comment saying I have a smooth anus, please, do so again. But if there's anything else, by all means shoot me an e-mail at the.mwb@gmail.com.

Things That Can Be Worn On And About the Head, Part 1

2007-09-06T02:11:17Z

TOP HAT

Here's what makes top hats so awesome: Evil villains or tap dancers or oil tycoons or Abraham Lincoln can wear them and, you know what, it just seems right. Top hats are some damnably versatile that I wouldn't doubt that some famous actor, say, a Matthew McConaughey, couldn't just go out and wear one and not be the talk of the town. Folks, they would say, have you seen that fella McConaughey? He sure does look mighty spiffy in that velvety top hat of his. And you know what? They wouldn't be wrong. So, come on, guy. Do it for the people. Plus 7 bullets.

BASEBALL CAP

By itself, and worn properly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the conventional baseball cap. In fact, I couldn't imagine a baseball player in anything else, except maybe a top hat. But like so many other things in today's society, people have had to go and ruin something that's pure and simple and good. People wore them backwards and that was one thing. It was acceptable. But then it was sideways. And then upside down. And then with the tags still on them. And worst of all, intentionally frayed and torn. You ruined baseball caps, guys who buy them already all beaten up. I hope you're proud of yourselves. Minus 4 bullets.

]]> HEADBAND Think about basketball. No, please, do it. Now think about the best player on any given team (except Michael Jordan). Didn't he always wear a headband? You bet he did. Plus 5 bullets.

VISOR

I don't care who you are, there is only one acceptable context in which one can wear a visor, and that is if you are the dealer in a shady poker game in a basement somewhere where there's lots of cigar and cigarette smoke. And then it can only be one of those kind of old-fashioned-looking semi-transparent green ones. Otherwise, you're just being a douche. And don't try to give me some excuse about messing up your hair. Either go deal out some cards or get a real hat, Fratty Jones. Minus 6 bullets.

ROMAN/GREEK-STYLE HEAD WREATH

If you're posing to be painted on the side of a clay vase, there is absolutely nothing better to wear on your head. This is also completely acceptable head gear if you're throwing a discus, philosophically discussing what art is, discovering geometry, building an aquaduct, writing a tragic play about a king or conquering Northern Africa. Plus 2 bullets.

SWAMI HAT

Unless you're Johnny Carson, and you aren't, it's really just not going to work for you, pal. I don't even care if you're a real swami. Just give it up. But don't be ashamed. You can always get something more appropriate. In fact, I've got two words for you, and they rhyme with "top hat." Minus 3 bullets.

Next time: Bowlers, toupees, helmets, and perhaps some kind of food item. --------

What the hell happened to me?

2007-08-08T03:12:43Z

You may have been wondering if I had died sometime over the past few weeks. I didn't. No, instead I have been working on a super-secret special project that I'll be telling you about soon. Also, I went to Lollapalooza. (Daft Punk was ridiculously awesome.) New stuff soon, promise. --------

Writing Utensils

2007-07-24T01:18:47Z

PENCILS

The major convenience of pencils actually has nothing to do with the writing utensil itself. Rather, it has more to do with the ability to discard your writing fuck-ups and comes on the entire other end of the thing. To say that a pencil is a worthwhile writing utensil because of the eraser is like saying it would be nice to have some kind of knife with a alcohol-soaked cotton ball on the end. If you accidentally stab your mother (don't ask my why that would happen, you did it), you've got some first aid right there. Well, that doesn't really have anything to do with the knife. The problems with pencils, on the other hand, are myriad. First, there's the sharpening, which often doesn't work right and makes you end up with a nub or one of those situations where the lead is only on one side of the tip. Or you can use mechanical pencils, which come in one of two types: 1) the cheap kind with the erasers so bad you might as well not even use a pencil, or 2) the expensive ones that make you look like a douche when you use them. Face it, you can't win with pencils. Minus 5 bullets.

PENS

Here's the best thing about a good pen: when used properly, you can raise your asshole quotient substantially without really doing much of anything. And I mean that in a good way. Let me give you an example. Let's say you just picked up the day's New York Times because you like drawing mustaches on Condoleeza Rice and there's a nice big picture of her on the front page. You draw a huge curly mustache under her nose and head to work with the newspaper under your arm. When you get there, you walk into the break room and pour yourself a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, you overhear two of your co-workers who you hate talking about last night's "So You Think You Can Stuff a Whole Bunch of Bananas Into Your Anus" or something. Just to piss them off, you take a seat right down at the table next to them and flip to the Times crossword. You then yank your fancy Mont Blanc and start filling in the puzzle. Disgusted, they leave, thinking you're a pompous prick who doesn't think he ever makes a mistake (and also much smarter than them). And even though you've been filling in each answer with the word "SCROTY" (or "SCROTYBOATS" depending on the number of letters) you've managed to fill them with contempt. Congratulations! Plus 4 bullets.

]]> QUILL PENS When I rented the highly-praised documentary about quill pens from a few years ago entitled "Quills," I found out a few things about the writing utensil favored by Shakespeare and the framers of the Constitution that I didn't know before. For one thing, they apparently have a lot to do with Kate Winslet's exposed breasts. Now, I already was aware from seeing a similar documentary that Kate Winslet exposed her breasts during the sinking of the Titanic, but I really had no idea that they also were seemingly the inspiration for anyone who ever used a quill pen. No wonder so many of Shakespeare's plays and the Constitution are so randy! You know wha'm sayin'? "In order to form a more perfect union," indeed! Plus 2 bullets.

MARKERS

Okay, because I know it's what a lot of you are thinking, I'm just going to go ahead and get this out of the way: Duh hur hur hur you can huff markers and totally get hiiiiiigh duh hur hur hur! Which, fine, but this piece is not designed to be about whether or not the writing utensils can fuck you up. PCP can do that, but it doesn't mean you can make out a grocery list with it. (I've tried, believe me.) Anyway, markers are annoying. Have you ever listened to the sound it makes when you write on a piece of poster board with a Marks-A-Lot? It's excruciating. Fuck fingernails on a chalkboard, just the sound of somebody writing with a fucking marker makes me want to rip somebody's eyeballs out. Maybe yours, if you're close enough. Minus 6 bullets.

CHALK

You know, chalk had everything going for it -- the awesome cloud you get when you knock erasers together, those things where you can write 3 or 5 lines of the same thing if you put a whole bunch of piece of chalk in it, and the hilarity that comes from somebody (preferably a teacher) trying to write with it and it breaking in half as soon as they touch it to the board. But then somebody had to go and fuck it all up with one stupid, godawful idea: sidewalk chalk. Not only is the very phrase chokingly awful, but in execution it's one of the most repugnant things in our society today. If I see another announcement for a campus crusade or Young Democrats meeting on the walking surface in front of me in my lifetime, it'll be too soon. And don't even get me started on giant fucking pink flowers with stupid faces on them. If it were up to me, the only thing people could ever use sidewalk chalk for is drawing huge Misfits logos on the grounds of elementary schools. Now that would be downright enjoyable. Minus 7 bullets.

YOUR OWN BLEEDING FINGER

Say what you will about the aesthetics. But the fact remains that no matter the words you choose, nothing quite makes a statement with the panache of writing it with your own blood-gushing pointer. Whether you're saying "You never loved me, Charlene" or "Patches is my dog now, I'm buried with him in the back yard" or "Be sure to pick up some milk on the way home, love you, Chuck," that crimson touch just seems more...personal. Plus 3 bullets.

If you're wondering what my thoughts on the hammer and chisel are, well, let's just say I pretty much wrote this whole opinions piece with one. Believe it! --------

Subject: Celebrity Photos

2007-07-21T03:39:35Z

PR Photos wrote:

Hello,

Smello to you! You see what I did there? I took a traditional greeting and changed the first letter(s) to make it include the word "smell!" And smell is what poop does! Bits of hilariousness like that are why CRACKED pays me the big bucks (nothing)! Anyway, continue.

I came across your website today and I was curious to know if you have any need for celebrity photos?

That's...like...um...not a question? I guess you're, like, writing e-mails now that, um, ape that method of speech some people have where their statements go up at the end? Because that's so persuasive and reassuring? But to answer your statement, it depends. Are the celebrities having sex? Nude? With celebrity nudity? Because, in that case, no. I can get those pictures anywhere. Internet and all. Still, it's interesting that you just came across my site. It's weird coincidence, because I actually just came all over it.]]> We are PR Photos, a Celebrity Stock Photography Agency that has been in business for over 9 years with Hundreds of photographers constantly photographing red carpet events, fashion shows, concerts, premieres, press conferences, etc. Hooray for random capitalization! So, let me get this straight. Your hundreds of photographers are constantly photographing things? So they never eat? Sleep? Make love to a woman? Is that not what it means to be human? To live? To experience all the things out there that are not getting a shot of former NYPD Blue vixen Sharon Lawrence attending the premiere of "License to Wed?" Or of Steven Seagal pretending to know martial arts? Or of Rob Schnieder still existing for some reason? I would think "constant photographer" would have to be the worst job ever.

All of our 500,000 images are FULLY LICENSED and available for use on websites.

Whew! That's a relief! I was afraid they would only be available for use on teletype machines or for making woodcuts.

We are the LOWEST priced celebrity stock photo company in the industry.

There's this company called Google Image Search that has a lot of stuff for free. So, you'll pay me, then?

We are willing to work within your budget needs.

Oh, well, I'm going to need a lot, then. I'm going to need to see a certain Mr. President Andy Jackson, in fact.

Feel free to check out our various pricing packages: (THERE WAS A URL HERE)

Heh. Packages.

We'd love the opportunity to speak with you regarding licensing our images.

As long as they can do a three-point turn and know how to parallel park, they're good to go.

Feel free to give us a call to discuss your photo needs or you can e-mail me back with a number and a good time to reach you.

Okay, the number is 8 and a good time to reach me is when I'm pretty close nearby, like within an arm's length. (Thanks, folks, I'll be here all week.)

Thank You,

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Thank youuuuuuuuu.

Lindsay Burkhead
PR Photos

Heh. Head.

For Sales Assistance please call:
Andy Rouvalis
Senior Sales Executive-PR PHOTOS

Hey, why can't I call you, Lindsay? Is it because of that crack about coming all over my website? Yeah, I'm sorry about that. But you were the one talking about celebrity nude sex, after all. I'm just sayin'. _______________________________________________ If you'd like to come all over my website, please, let me know in an e-mail. --------

A Listing Of Words You Should Attempt To Shoehorn Into Everyday Conversation

2007-07-18T02:32:53Z

boondoggle hornswaggle boonswaggle horndoggle Swayze-esque quintillion crabtacular the vapors hoboner diskette crotchety fantastical ho-bag elevenish pantstacular ribaldry chicktionary pusillanimity smershy PaulStanleyish cometfucker endgame pinchy-pinch-pinch lunch castigatoy booboisie Millard Fillmore --------

Capsule Reviews for Comics I Bought on 7/6/07

2007-07-08T19:53:09Z

To me, my ratings system! Yeah! - A great comic all around. Definitely worth buying, just like this high-quality MW merchandise, available now! (Smoooth.) Heh. - Pretty entertaining. Give it a read if you have a chance. Eh? - Confusing. I'm not really sure if it's bad or good, honestly. Meh. - Not particularly exciting. Bleh. - Terrible. All-Star Superman #8 I love this issue, if for no other reason than this one panel:

Apparently that one Bizarro guy speaks exclusively in sarcasm, which means that in all likelihood I am a Bizarro myself. In addition, the plot is full of cool, crazy ideas and the art is as pretty as ever. Just like every other issue of this series, it's a hell of a lot of fun, and it's the best Superman I've pretty much ever read. Rating: Yeah! The Irredeemable Ant-Man #10 Just like pretty much every other Marvel book of the past month or so, this issue crosses over with the big punch-up known as World War Hulk, but instead of taking itself all super-seriously like some titles I won't name *cough*FrontLine*cough*, this one sort of serves as a parody of the whole thing. Here, the new Ant-Man finds himself inside the Hulk's digestive system, where everything is as indestructible as it is on the outside. It all seems a little shoehorned into the overall plot of the series, but it's a fun little diversion anyway. Rating: Heh.]]> Detective Comics #834 I get the impression that Paul Dini may be overextending himself. Not to say that this is a bad issue -- it isn't, even though it provides several tidy little solutions to the "how are they going to get out of this one?" moment in the cliffhanger last issue, almost as if this was a very dark episode of the 1960s "Batman" TV show with Zatanna in Robin's place -- but it doesn't have nearly the degree of cleverness that Dini's previous issues on this title have had. I have to attribute it to Dini's work on Countdown, which, the less said about, the better. Rating: Eh? Fallen Son: Iron Man Well, they've buried Captain America. Alright then. This issue got played up a lot as some sort of momentous event, but it's more like a footnote on the larger story of Cap's death. As always, Jeph Loeb's dialogue is well-meaning but sort of stilted and the revelation of where Captain America is really buried is an interesting thought, even if it isn't really all that well-presented. If there is a reason to get this, though, it's for John Cassaday's altogether stunning artwork, which manages to make several two-page spreads of Captain America jumping look different and awesome every time. Rating: Eh? The Punisher #49 There's a certain template by which almost every six-issue story arc of Garth Ennis' MAX Punisher series has gone by - bad guy is introduced, bad guy does something horrible, Punisher sets out to find said bad guy, Punisher is held up by complications with other characters, Punisher kills the shit out of the bad guys. This one takes a whole different turn, however, as the Punisher ends up being something of an outside observer to the inevitable slaughter. It was a needed and well-done change of pace, and Ennis has introduced at least one character, a cop, who I hope we'll see again at some point. Oh, and there's some really freaky-ass sex here, too. So that's something. Rating: Heh. Runaways #27 When Joss Whedon took over as this book's writer a few issues ago, there were several things that bugged me about what he was doing with it -- the switch in location and some characterization I thought ignored some earlier development -- but he makes up for it some in this issue. For one thing, he finally gets around to mentioning Gert, whose death all but changed the whole dynamic of the series when Brian K. Vaughan was writing it. I'm still not entirely sure the guy knows how to plot a comic book, but with a lot of snap-bang dialogue and a knockout last-page reveal, he does a lot to redeem himself here. Rating: Heh. Thor #1 I'll say this much for this first issue of the new Thor series: The art is really pretty. Unfortunately, that's about all there is, since it seems like this issue takes about 80 percent of its pages just to get to...well...anything. A few lines of dialogue get repeated several times while Thor vacillates on whether he should come back to the real world again. If anything, this reads more like a #0 issue than a #1, since being the first issue implies some kind of start to a continuing action. There's none here, and I hope it gets off the ground soon, because I won't stick around for too many more issues. Rating: Meh. Ultimate Power #6 We're two-thirds into this miniseries, and, by God, I still have no idea what it's about. It would seem to be nothing but an excuse to have superheroes punch each other (because Lord knows we haven't seen that recently) and give Greg Land an opportunity to trace some more screencaps from porn films. This issue throws in a few elements of plot, unfortunately none of which make any sense. It's like a test to see how much readers will pay for basically nothing, apparently. Rating: Bleh. Y: The Last Man #57 With only a few issues left to go, Y: The Last Man is wrapping things up. But rather than providing tidy resolutions to the problems that have been arising for the last 56 issues, Brian K. Vaughan continues to develop these characters in complex and realistic ways. Most of this issue amounts to a conversation between Yorick and his girlfriend, Beth, in which they both probably say some things they shouldn't and feelings get hurt. It's pretty spot-on, and sets up a whole new conflict that sends us right into the last three issues. Plus, Yorick directly addresses the fact that there would have been no satisfactory explanation for a plague that killed all the men in the world. It's brilliant. Rating: Yeah! --------

Subject: Fwd: YOUR LETTER

2007-07-06T03:24:36Z

Dionne Comer wrote:

As a business you have been preapproved to receive 38575 USD TODAY!

What about as a private individual? A miserable failure? An abstract concept, like ambivalence? If you're going to tell me what I'm being offered as a business, you've got to give me some other options. And before I go any further, I feel compelled to note that Ms. Comer's e-mail address is one of the craziest things I have ever seen: Angelitamartinezalbatross@aiga.org. That's right. Angelita Martinez Albatross. I think I've finally got the name of my female lead in the next exciting installment of "The Continuing Adventures of Copernicus Jones: Robot Detective."]]> No hassle at all, completely unsecured. And...that's supposed to be...good? I'm pretty sure I'd want my almost-40-grand secured. I'm just sayin'.

There are no hidden costs or fees.

So you're not charging me to give me money. I appreciate that.

Worried that your credit is less than perfect? Not an issue.

What if it's, like, horrifically bad? Like, negative credit? Would that be an issue? Is there anything I could do to make it one? I want an issue.

Give us a ring, now.

Whoa, there, Dionne/Ms. Albatross! This is all moving very quickly for us. You can't just approach me like this, offer me nearly 40 grand, call me a business and then expect me to toss a ring at you. I need at least a little tongue action first. And what if I can't afford a ring? So much for my credit not being an issue, huh?

8774824956

You can't fool me. I know the Mike Tyson code and that ain't it.

Turn your dream, into a reality, is that not worth two minutes of your time?

You clearly haven't been privy to any of my dreams.

8774824956

Will I get extra money if I call twice?

He would be more than happy to crawl to the telephone, no matter how much it might hurt.

Um...yeah.

"It doesnt blur a much as that pencil-line, but its worse than the ballpoint-ink line.

What? The telephone? The money you're offering me? Your ring? Also, way to close your quotes, there, multiple-name-lady.

Bridgett Read

More names! I say stick with the Albatross one. Then when you forced me to marry you I could take your name and become MW Albatross, dockside dance-man. Pay me a nickel and I'll play the accordion and jig all afternoon, m'ladies. _______________________________________________ If you feel like writing me an e-mail that diagrams your slow descent into paranoid schizophrenia, please click here and start typing. --------

Euphemisms for Male Genitalia

2007-06-30T22:52:10Z

FAMILY JEWELS

There's something inherently creepy about calling one's reproductive organs their "family jewels," for a few reasons. First, it seems to imply that they have become petrified, rock or gem-like, and possibly sharp-edged. Secondly, it brings to mind this whole idea that they've been passed down over generations, like this was your father's penis, and his father's before him. The thought of my dad handing me over his genitals on a velvet pillow isn't exactly the most appealing thing that's ever entered my head. And lastly, it attributes a value to those parts that is simply too high. Sure, I value that stuff as much as any dude, but I'd rather not put them under glass, so as to never be used, even when I have the most prestigious house guests. Minus 6 bullets.

JUNK

Sort of the anti-"family jewels," the term "junk" has the opposite problem, in that it de-values the genitals to the point of something Sanford & Son would pick up off the side of the road and sell with an old sink. Luckily, the word "junk" is inherently funny, thus making any reference to "some dude's junk in your mouth" or an exhortation to "watch the junk" hilarious. Plus 4 bullets.

]]> TWIG & BERRIES Say all you will about the infantalization of culture, you know, sometimes, you need a term you can use for a dude's fellow-parts that you can say around a three-year-old. Yeah, sure, maybe it's better psychologically if you teach the kid the scientific terms for his penis and his testicles, but it's just weird to hear a little kid say that. It's much more palatable for the adults involved to hear the kid instead refer to a small piece of wood and two pieces of juicy fruit when he's talking about where the yellow water comes out. Also, this is a British term, which immediately makes it that much better. Plus 2 bullets.

COCK & BALLS

Oh, hello, subtlety. Hmm, what's that? Oh, you're heading out for the evening? Okay, see you later. Well, it looks like subtlety just walked out the door. Seriously, what's the point of a euphemism that doesn't actually obscure what you're talking about in the least? I actually think it's perfectly fine to use one word or another for each individual part, but saying it all together just makes it seem like you have a hard time thinking of words to say. Minus 3 bullets.

SPECIAL PURPOSE

Something like a secret handshake between people who have watched and loved "The Jerk," quite possibly the finest comedy ever made about a white guy who thinks he is black, acheives fame and fortune and loses it, while also managing to work at a carnival for a while. So it's like a bonus -- you get to subtly refer to male genitals, and you get to remind folks of when Steve Martin made decent movies. Everybody wins. Plus 1 bullet.

LOINS

Biblical in nature, "loins" goes so far as to actually refer to a whole different part of the body because the writers involved were so reticent to talk about those body parts that God made everyone with. Still, I guess I'm going to have to cut the term some slack, if for no other reason than referring to one's junk as their loins immediately gives everything a sort of Shakespearean, Sir-Lawrence-Olivier-style gravity. Try doing that with "crown jewels." It won't work. 0 bullets.

And now that I've spent the last half-hour writing about male genitals, I'm going to have to remind myself I'm heterosexual with a few hours of pornography. Wish me luck. --------

Ridiculous Band Names: Honorable Mentions

2007-06-28T01:43:20Z

You may by now have seen the list of the 25 worst band names in rock history on the CRACKED.com humor web page site. I wrote it. But not all the bands I wanted to put on the list made the cut, so I thought that I'd include bands 26-30, just to make a few people angrier about how the explanation for how the band got its name (which I pulled off Wikipedia) is wrong.

Phish

The story: The band's drummer's last name was Fishman, and somehow that ended up turning into Phish. According to singer Trey Anastasio, they made the F a Ph as a "marketing ploy." Assholes! Why it's ridiculous: Intentionally misspelling a word is bad enough, but making an "f" into a "ph" is the absolute worst. It’s like an inside joke that no one’s actually in on. Doing something like replacing an "s" with a "z" is simply retarded, but replacing an "f" with a "ph" carries this whole winking, faux-intelligent veneer of unabashed wankery that pretty much exemplifies this band, which is basically one big wank itself. Phuck them.

]]> Europe

The story: When a Swedish rock band called Force beat out 4,000 other bands in a talent contest, they were forced as a stipulation of the contest to change their name to Europe. No, seriously. Why it's ridiculous: Without question or exception, it is a bad idea to name your band after a place. Chicago, Boston, Alabama, America; all horrible names for bands. But it takes a special brand of suck to name yourself after a whole continent. Asia is bad enough, but naming yourself after the continent that is more or less the birthplace of all Western thought takes a never-before-documented level of insane haughtiness. I have a feeling the whole continent winces when it hears “The Final Countdown.”

Pearl Jam

The story: Eddie Vedder and the rest of the band insist that they didn't name themselves after jizz, but, come on, it's jizz. Their old band was called “Mother Love Bone,” for Christ's sake. Why it's ridiculous: Well, I'll give them this, they dodged a bullet by failing to name their band what they originally intended to name it, Mookie Blaylock. That band would of lasted all of one album, at most. But the world at large has become so used to hearing the name Pearl Jam that we have failed to realize that it's a totally ridiculous name for anything. Consider the pearl as a gem – possibly the least grungy of all gems – and then the connotation that the word “jam” usually engenders when in reference to rock bands – songs that last half an hour and never-ending guitar solos that consist of one note. With that in mind, Pearl Jam may be the most inaccurately named band ever.

HIM

The story: It's an abbreviation for the band's old name, "His Infernal Majesty," which could be a nickname for the lead singer or Satan. Stories vary. But they changed the name so it didn't look like they were associated with Satan. Why it's ridiculous: Because it's like an intentional set-up for a horrible comedy routine. COSTELLO: Hey, Abbott, who ya listenin' to? ABBOTT: Oh, HIM. Have you heard of HIM? COSTELLO: No, I haven't heard of him. What's his name? ABBOTT: It's they. They are HIM. COSTELLO: Who's HIM? ABBOTT: No, The Who is The Who. They are HIM. COSTELLO: He's who? ABBOTT: They're HIM. And so on.

Vanilla Fudge

The story: Originally called “The Electric Pigeons,” this psychedelic cover band decided later to name itself after its three members' favorite type of ice cream. “Electric Pigeon” could be a flavor of ice cream, too, I don't know. Why it's ridiculous: Because it doesn't really say “band that does psychedelic covers of old R&B songs” if you name yourself after a food you would eat at your grandmother's house. It's like naming your hardcore band Green Beans or your gangsta rap group Pump-Kin Pye. Also, the name sounds vaguely like a reference to some kind of really horrifically disgusting sex act. I'll let you determine exactly what that sex act would be. --------

Movie Re-Cuts: Summer of Sequels!

2007-06-26T02:11:55Z

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MW sto, fa sho.

2007-06-23T07:46:12Z

Like everyone else on the national internets, I have opened my own online store at cafepress.com. Most of what's on there is slightly altered versions of the hyper-ironic t-shirts, so now they look kinda like this: Are they overpriced? You bet they are! Go buy 'em anyway! I'll thank you for it. Also, if there's anything you'd like to see made into a t-shirt (or a coffee mug, or a mousepad, or some underwear), leave a comment promising to buy it and I'll try to whip it up for you. --------

The best thing I have seen in some time.

2007-06-22T22:22:53Z

I'm not usually one to post videos from the national internets on my humorous weblog site, but I thought this warranted it: the dramatic chipmunk. Simply astonishing. --------