The MW Blog

Most of this blog's entries have been kidnapped...

2008-07-22T18:34:03Z

...by The International Society of Supervillains.

Capsule Reviews for Comics I Bought on 7/6/07

2007-07-08T19:53:09Z

To me, my ratings system! Yeah! - A great comic all around. Definitely worth buying, just like this high-quality MW merchandise, available now! (Smoooth.) Heh. - Pretty entertaining. Give it a read if you have a chance. Eh? - Confusing. I'm not really sure if it's bad or good, honestly. Meh. - Not particularly exciting. Bleh. - Terrible. All-Star Superman #8 I love this issue, if for no other reason than this one panel:

Apparently that one Bizarro guy speaks exclusively in sarcasm, which means that in all likelihood I am a Bizarro myself. In addition, the plot is full of cool, crazy ideas and the art is as pretty as ever. Just like every other issue of this series, it's a hell of a lot of fun, and it's the best Superman I've pretty much ever read. Rating: Yeah! The Irredeemable Ant-Man #10 Just like pretty much every other Marvel book of the past month or so, this issue crosses over with the big punch-up known as World War Hulk, but instead of taking itself all super-seriously like some titles I won't name *cough*FrontLine*cough*, this one sort of serves as a parody of the whole thing. Here, the new Ant-Man finds himself inside the Hulk's digestive system, where everything is as indestructible as it is on the outside. It all seems a little shoehorned into the overall plot of the series, but it's a fun little diversion anyway. Rating: Heh.]]> Detective Comics #834 I get the impression that Paul Dini may be overextending himself. Not to say that this is a bad issue -- it isn't, even though it provides several tidy little solutions to the "how are they going to get out of this one?" moment in the cliffhanger last issue, almost as if this was a very dark episode of the 1960s "Batman" TV show with Zatanna in Robin's place -- but it doesn't have nearly the degree of cleverness that Dini's previous issues on this title have had. I have to attribute it to Dini's work on Countdown, which, the less said about, the better. Rating: Eh? Fallen Son: Iron Man Well, they've buried Captain America. Alright then. This issue got played up a lot as some sort of momentous event, but it's more like a footnote on the larger story of Cap's death. As always, Jeph Loeb's dialogue is well-meaning but sort of stilted and the revelation of where Captain America is really buried is an interesting thought, even if it isn't really all that well-presented. If there is a reason to get this, though, it's for John Cassaday's altogether stunning artwork, which manages to make several two-page spreads of Captain America jumping look different and awesome every time. Rating: Eh? The Punisher #49 There's a certain template by which almost every six-issue story arc of Garth Ennis' MAX Punisher series has gone by - bad guy is introduced, bad guy does something horrible, Punisher sets out to find said bad guy, Punisher is held up by complications with other characters, Punisher kills the shit out of the bad guys. This one takes a whole different turn, however, as the Punisher ends up being something of an outside observer to the inevitable slaughter. It was a needed and well-done change of pace, and Ennis has introduced at least one character, a cop, who I hope we'll see again at some point. Oh, and there's some really freaky-ass sex here, too. So that's something. Rating: Heh. Runaways #27 When Joss Whedon took over as this book's writer a few issues ago, there were several things that bugged me about what he was doing with it -- the switch in location and some characterization I thought ignored some earlier development -- but he makes up for it some in this issue. For one thing, he finally gets around to mentioning Gert, whose death all but changed the whole dynamic of the series when Brian K. Vaughan was writing it. I'm still not entirely sure the guy knows how to plot a comic book, but with a lot of snap-bang dialogue and a knockout last-page reveal, he does a lot to redeem himself here. Rating: Heh. Thor #1 I'll say this much for this first issue of the new Thor series: The art is really pretty. Unfortunately, that's about all there is, since it seems like this issue takes about 80 percent of its pages just to get to...well...anything. A few lines of dialogue get repeated several times while Thor vacillates on whether he should come back to the real world again. If anything, this reads more like a #0 issue than a #1, since being the first issue implies some kind of start to a continuing action. There's none here, and I hope it gets off the ground soon, because I won't stick around for too many more issues. Rating: Meh. Ultimate Power #6 We're two-thirds into this miniseries, and, by God, I still have no idea what it's about. It would seem to be nothing but an excuse to have superheroes punch each other (because Lord knows we haven't seen that recently) and give Greg Land an opportunity to trace some more screencaps from porn films. This issue throws in a few elements of plot, unfortunately none of which make any sense. It's like a test to see how much readers will pay for basically nothing, apparently. Rating: Bleh. Y: The Last Man #57 With only a few issues left to go, Y: The Last Man is wrapping things up. But rather than providing tidy resolutions to the problems that have been arising for the last 56 issues, Brian K. Vaughan continues to develop these characters in complex and realistic ways. Most of this issue amounts to a conversation between Yorick and his girlfriend, Beth, in which they both probably say some things they shouldn't and feelings get hurt. It's pretty spot-on, and sets up a whole new conflict that sends us right into the last three issues. Plus, Yorick directly addresses the fact that there would have been no satisfactory explanation for a plague that killed all the men in the world. It's brilliant. Rating: Yeah! --------

Ridiculous Band Names: Honorable Mentions

2007-06-28T01:43:20Z

You may by now have seen the list of the 25 worst band names in rock history on the CRACKED.com humor web page site. I wrote it. But not all the bands I wanted to put on the list made the cut, so I thought that I'd include bands 26-30, just to make a few people angrier about how the explanation for how the band got its name (which I pulled off Wikipedia) is wrong.

Phish

The story: The band's drummer's last name was Fishman, and somehow that ended up turning into Phish. According to singer Trey Anastasio, they made the F a Ph as a "marketing ploy." Assholes! Why it's ridiculous: Intentionally misspelling a word is bad enough, but making an "f" into a "ph" is the absolute worst. It’s like an inside joke that no one’s actually in on. Doing something like replacing an "s" with a "z" is simply retarded, but replacing an "f" with a "ph" carries this whole winking, faux-intelligent veneer of unabashed wankery that pretty much exemplifies this band, which is basically one big wank itself. Phuck them.

]]> Europe

The story: When a Swedish rock band called Force beat out 4,000 other bands in a talent contest, they were forced as a stipulation of the contest to change their name to Europe. No, seriously. Why it's ridiculous: Without question or exception, it is a bad idea to name your band after a place. Chicago, Boston, Alabama, America; all horrible names for bands. But it takes a special brand of suck to name yourself after a whole continent. Asia is bad enough, but naming yourself after the continent that is more or less the birthplace of all Western thought takes a never-before-documented level of insane haughtiness. I have a feeling the whole continent winces when it hears “The Final Countdown.”

Pearl Jam

The story: Eddie Vedder and the rest of the band insist that they didn't name themselves after jizz, but, come on, it's jizz. Their old band was called “Mother Love Bone,” for Christ's sake. Why it's ridiculous: Well, I'll give them this, they dodged a bullet by failing to name their band what they originally intended to name it, Mookie Blaylock. That band would of lasted all of one album, at most. But the world at large has become so used to hearing the name Pearl Jam that we have failed to realize that it's a totally ridiculous name for anything. Consider the pearl as a gem – possibly the least grungy of all gems – and then the connotation that the word “jam” usually engenders when in reference to rock bands – songs that last half an hour and never-ending guitar solos that consist of one note. With that in mind, Pearl Jam may be the most inaccurately named band ever.

HIM

The story: It's an abbreviation for the band's old name, "His Infernal Majesty," which could be a nickname for the lead singer or Satan. Stories vary. But they changed the name so it didn't look like they were associated with Satan. Why it's ridiculous: Because it's like an intentional set-up for a horrible comedy routine. COSTELLO: Hey, Abbott, who ya listenin' to? ABBOTT: Oh, HIM. Have you heard of HIM? COSTELLO: No, I haven't heard of him. What's his name? ABBOTT: It's they. They are HIM. COSTELLO: Who's HIM? ABBOTT: No, The Who is The Who. They are HIM. COSTELLO: He's who? ABBOTT: They're HIM. And so on.

Vanilla Fudge

The story: Originally called “The Electric Pigeons,” this psychedelic cover band decided later to name itself after its three members' favorite type of ice cream. “Electric Pigeon” could be a flavor of ice cream, too, I don't know. Why it's ridiculous: Because it doesn't really say “band that does psychedelic covers of old R&B songs” if you name yourself after a food you would eat at your grandmother's house. It's like naming your hardcore band Green Beans or your gangsta rap group Pump-Kin Pye. Also, the name sounds vaguely like a reference to some kind of really horrifically disgusting sex act. I'll let you determine exactly what that sex act would be. --------

The best thing I have seen in some time.

2007-06-22T22:22:53Z

I'm not usually one to post videos from the national internets on my humorous weblog site, but I thought this warranted it: the dramatic chipmunk. Simply astonishing. --------

An MW-ISB Crossover Event!

2007-06-20T01:14:23Z

So I spent a good portion of my day Saturday upholding my annual tradition of attending Heroes Con with some friends. I wouldn't mention it, except for the fact that I had the opportunity to meet CrayonMaster Extraordinaire Chris Sims there, and he drew me this kickass picture of Captain America crying:
It's the ice cream cone that really makes it, I think.]]> the CRACKED magazine in person, and his having an awesomely hilarious comics blog, he also brings stuff like this out of me, from an e-mail discussion about a team-up between his character Solomon Stone and me, after I've changed my name to Gruffman Glasschewer:

We'd have all kinds of action hero banter. Like, he'd say, "Stay close. We've only got one chance at this." And I'd say something like, "Lock and load." And then we'd gun down a whole bunch of crocodile ninjas while balancing on the underside of an upside-down motorboat that's speeding toward a waterfall that feeds into a pit full of spinning saw blades. Also, there's a dragon in there.

Rock on, Sims. Also of note about Heroes Con: I managed to get my picture taken with a character I lovingly referred to as Overweight Supergirl throughout the day's proceedings. If my friend Shawn sends me the picture, I'll post it. --------

So, anyone watch the Sopranos finale?

2007-06-13T02:57:11Z

So after a couple of days of thinking it over and reading just about everything I can find to see what people thought about the final episode of "The Sopranos," I've decided that the general consensus that you either love it or hate it is kind of wrong. Because I'm really pretty ambivalent about it. The episode, and really this whole season, in my estimation, was alternatingly baffling and brilliant. The smash cut to black at the end of the finale, which seems to be the only thing anyone can talk about for some reason, seemed altogether appropriate. More about that later. But as for the episode as a whole, didn't things seem to move...kind of fast?]]> Phil's guys turned on him pretty quick, anyway. Sure, they needed to wrap things up, so to speak, but the end of the Phil business and the start of the Carlo becoming a rat just came flying out of seemingly nowhere. Had they set up the Carlo as rat thing at all? If they did, I missed it. Only the mention of his kid getting pinched, which was part of the finale. The final talk between Junior and Tony was sort of weirdly unsatisfying, too. Maybe it was supposed to be, but it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Same kind of thing with Tony's visit to Silvio's hospital room. But then there were some outstanding bits -- Phil's death, for instance. Or AJ's SUV burning up just as he's getting to second base with his high-school-junior girlfriend. For some reason the bits with Tony's old FBI nemesis, Agent Harris, really seemed pitch-perfect for me. His argument with his wife over the phone and his celebration when he finds out Phil's been clipped just seem to say, you know, the FBI guys are such great fellows either. There were some great little things, too. Carmela's reaction to all the mail that's piled up when the family gets back to the house after being in hiding just seems so...suburban. Paulie's unzipped pants while he tries to talk up Bobby's niece is right on the money. Possibly my favorite moment was when the New York mobster accidentally walked to Chinatown, showing just how much Little Italy has shrunk. Tony's quick turn toward talking about his mother in the presence of AJ's shrink was great, too. And then there were the clumsy parts. AJ's screed about how "American Idol" distracts people from real stuff going on in the world seemed clunky and heavy-handed. So did the stuff with the cat. And none of the scenes with Janice struck me as particularly important. Oh, and Patsy's wife can't tell a joke! Oh boy! Anyway, about the final scene. First off, I'm not going to argue some definitive conclusion about Tony dying or getting pinched by the feds or whatever right when the screen goes black. That's all up for interpretation. It could be any of those, or none. It's Schrodinger's cat -- Tony is both alive and dead. But here's what I do think the intent of that last scene was. In every discernable way, it was designed to remind us that we were watching a television show. The Journey song, for instance. Up to now, we've only heard the songs David Chase would pick to accompany the show. Here, we finally hear the song Tony, the television character, picked. The allusion to "The Godfather," with the guy walking into the bathroom, reminds us of that other mob saga. And then, finally, the show just cuts out in mid-word. And what was most people's initial reaction? To think that their cable was out. To call their satellite provider. To see if the Tivo had cut off the end of the show. You're jarred back into reality. In the course of a second, David Chase jerks the viewers out of the fictional world of Tony Soprano and forces us back into ours. It doesn't matter what happens to Tony Soprano, he was telling us. It was AJ's point from earlier, but made with subtlety. Get angry, David Chase was saying. Wake up from the dream. I've read several places about how it was the viewer who was whacked at the end. But it was the opposite. It was the end of a dream. But unlike all the dreams we had seen earlier in the series, this one wasn't Tony's. It was ours. BONUS FIVE-WORD REVIEW OF "JOHN FROM CINCINNATI": It made no fucking sense. --------

Game show humor!

2007-06-10T20:33:46Z

Earlier this week the CRACKED.com humorous website page posted this thing I wrote a while back regarding game shows. Won't you read it? For me? --------

Knocked Up

2007-06-04T01:55:47Z

If the state of American movie comedy today was to be judged based on the quality of the 25 or so trailers I watched before "Knocked Up" started, I probably would have given up on Hollywood entirely. There was the Dane Cook movie about how each woman he sleeps with finds her true love. The Ben Stiller movie where he finds out the woman he married is crazy (never heard that premise before!). The Robin Williams as a priest helping a young couple before marraige movie (he talks like a black preacher in it! How unexpected!). Luckily, after what felt like about 48 tons of pure anal extract being dropped directly into my mouth, "Knocked Up" started. And I thought to myself, "Hey, this isn't shit. Wow."]]> A-. Note: Never do a Google image search for "Knocked Up" with Safesearch turned off. Yowza. Double note: Fellow CRACKED blogger Peter Lynn has posted some highly informative updates and trivia about the movie here. --------

The Sopranos' 10 Most Memorable Whackings

2007-06-02T22:00:50Z

So there's this show on television called "The Sopranos" that some people like. It's about a family of garbagemen or something. Anyway, I wrote a thing about it. Enjoy! --------

TV Crap and Comments

2007-05-27T19:21:34Z

You may have noticed earlier this week that a piece of mine about the major networks' 35 new shows went up on the CRACKED.com main site. Or maybe you didn't. I don't know. I don't run your life. Also, sorry to anyone who has commented on something recently and didn't see it go up on the site in a prompt fashion. I have been simply swamped with spam comments lately and only got the chance to filter through today. All the real ones should be up now, especially this one, which really gets my goat with that remark about my "slick anus." I really had no idea anyone knew about my highly lacquered asshole, but clearly I was wrong. --------

Spam answers, yes!

2007-05-11T03:30:33Z

I've taken my incredibly original schtick of sarcastically answering spam e-mails on the Internet to the CRACKED.com main site. You can see the fruits of my labor here. Seriously, that bug-eyed Asian chick freaks me out every time I see her. --------

The Venture Bros. Season 2 DVD

2007-05-03T03:00:00Z

Over the course of the last year or so, "The Venture Bros." became my favorite show on television. Partially because "Arrested Development" got cancelled. Partially because I finally realized that "The Simpsons" had fallen off in quality to the point that it wasn't the same show anymore. It didn't have any of the things I loved about it anymore -- an ironic, but also weirdly reverential sense of nostalgia; brilliant plots with impeccable continuity; fully realized characters, even down to the most minor bit players; and the amazing ability to cause me to laugh until I can't breathe. And the rest of it is that "The Venture Bros." is all those things, in damn near perfect measure.]]> depth. And the second season of the show added it on in layers. We learn far more about what may possibly be the best pathetic failure of an anti-hero since Yossarian in Catch-22, Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture, as well as bodyguard Brock Samson, Dr. Byron Orpheus, the Monarch, Dr. Girlfriend/Queen Etheria/Lady Au Pair and the boys, who all but stopped being the focus of the show for the sake of Doc, Brock and the Monarch. Oh, and David Bowie. But along with that, we get 13 jam-packed episodes this season, with all the Jonny-Quest-pastiche adventure we didn't really get during the show's first season, which was good but was clearly a period in which the creators, the awesomely-pseudonymed Jackson Publick and two-tone-haired Doc Hammer, were still hitting their stride. But this season is all stride, where even the episodes the two of them admit they don't like have way more laughs than anything probably ought to. As for this DVD set, let me start by saying the packaging is some of the best I've ever seen. And yes, I'm the type of person who cares about packaging. The art and design is awesome, and instead of glossed-over cardboard, it's got a very cool cardstock feeling to it. There's a lot of stuff on the two discs in the set. The extras include a kickass tour of the creators' studio, Astrobase Go! and an introduction to their robot friend Soul-Bot, as well as lots of so-called "deleted scenes," which actually appear to be scenes that the voice actors recorded but which were never animated. Still, neat. Every episode has commentary, though it would maybe be better termed "over-the-episode conversation." It's very fun to listen to, but if you're looking for insight into how the show was made, it's probably not the best place to go. Apparently Cartoon Network's legal department was working overtime on it, too, since there are big chunks that seem to be missing from Jackson, Doc, and sometimes Dr. Venture and Dean voice actors James Urbaniak and Michael Sinterniklaas' conversations. Not sure what that's all about. Also, Jackson is really hard to hear. Clearly, not a whole hell of a lot of effort went into the commentaries. Still, pretty fun just to listen to the guys chatter about basically whatever pops into their heads. All together, it's a mighty fine presentation of the best show currently being made. Well worth it, friends. Shows: A Extras: B --------

I apparently love sports now.

2007-04-12T06:35:08Z

Because the second sports-related piece of mine in the span of a week, The Dos and Don'ts of Throwing a First Pitch is now up on the CRACKED.com main site. I believe it warrants at least a moment of your time, much as if it were a besooted English orphan who has approached you with his empty gruel bowl, saying in his weakened voice, "Please, sir, just a moment of your time. Please." His voice is weakened because he has black lung from having to earn money for the orphanage by working evenings as the brush end of a chimney sweep's broom. Won't you grant a poor English orphan his dying wish? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch some sports! Goooooooo athletes! --------

Phil Mickelson = Hilarious

2007-04-06T19:02:05Z

Hey! Hey you! Yes, you! Reader! How much do you like jokes about golf tournament champions? What if they're 2006 Masters champion Phil Mickelson? Well, my friend, have I got the thing for you. (Special bonus note for readers of this blog: I wrote this, not Phil Mickelson.) --------

Har har!

2007-04-02T04:29:49Z

I hope everyone had a wonderful April Fool's day. I know I did, because I (hopefully) managed to make a few people think that this blog had been purchased by a large dictionary publisher when I replaced the normal index page with this. To be perfectly clear, this blog has not been purchased by a dictionary publisher. Though anyone who wishes to give me money is more than welcome to do so. --------