Things That Can Be Worn On And About the Head, Part 1
TOP HAT
Here's what makes top hats so awesome: Evil villains or tap dancers or oil tycoons or Abraham Lincoln can wear them and, you know what, it just seems right. Top hats are some damnably versatile that I wouldn't doubt that some famous actor, say, a Matthew McConaughey, couldn't just go out and wear one and not be the talk of the town. Folks, they would say, have you seen that fella McConaughey? He sure does look mighty spiffy in that velvety top hat of his. And you know what? They wouldn't be wrong. So, come on, guy. Do it for the people. Plus 7 bullets.
BASEBALL CAP
By itself, and worn properly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the conventional baseball cap. In fact, I couldn't imagine a baseball player in anything else, except maybe a top hat. But like so many other things in today's society, people have had to go and ruin something that's pure and simple and good. People wore them backwards and that was one thing. It was acceptable. But then it was sideways. And then upside down. And then with the tags still on them. And worst of all, intentionally frayed and torn. You ruined baseball caps, guys who buy them already all beaten up. I hope you're proud of yourselves. Minus 4 bullets.
HEADBAND
Think about basketball. No, please, do it. Now think about the best player on any given team (except Michael Jordan). Didn't he always wear a headband? You bet he did. Plus 5 bullets.
VISOR
I don't care who you are, there is only one acceptable context in which one can wear a visor, and that is if you are the dealer in a shady poker game in a basement somewhere where there's lots of cigar and cigarette smoke. And then it can only be one of those kind of old-fashioned-looking semi-transparent green ones. Otherwise, you're just being a douche. And don't try to give me some excuse about messing up your hair. Either go deal out some cards or get a real hat, Fratty Jones. Minus 6 bullets.
ROMAN/GREEK-STYLE HEAD WREATH
If you're posing to be painted on the side of a clay vase, there is absolutely nothing better to wear on your head. This is also completely acceptable head gear if you're throwing a discus, philosophically discussing what art is, discovering geometry, building an aquaduct, writing a tragic play about a king or conquering Northern Africa. Plus 2 bullets.
SWAMI HAT
Unless you're Johnny Carson, and you aren't, it's really just not going to work for you, pal. I don't even care if you're a real swami. Just give it up. But don't be ashamed. You can always get something more appropriate. In fact, I've got two words for you, and they rhyme with "top hat." Minus 3 bullets.
Next time: Bowlers, toupees, helmets, and perhaps some kind of food item.
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Comments
You know what? I have a top-hat. It was very expensive, but it's awesome and it makes the world jealous when I wear it. Seriously, I can feel the jealousy FLYING off the world when I wear this hat. It's a beautiful thing.
Posted by: Alistaire | September 7, 2007 7:51 AM