Writing Utensils
PENCILS
The major convenience of pencils actually has nothing to do with the writing utensil itself. Rather, it has more to do with the ability to discard your writing fuck-ups and comes on the entire other end of the thing. To say that a pencil is a worthwhile writing utensil because of the eraser is like saying it would be nice to have some kind of knife with a alcohol-soaked cotton ball on the end. If you accidentally stab your mother (don't ask my why that would happen, you did it), you've got some first aid right there. Well, that doesn't really have anything to do with the knife. The problems with pencils, on the other hand, are myriad. First, there's the sharpening, which often doesn't work right and makes you end up with a nub or one of those situations where the lead is only on one side of the tip. Or you can use mechanical pencils, which come in one of two types: 1) the cheap kind with the erasers so bad you might as well not even use a pencil, or 2) the expensive ones that make you look like a douche when you use them. Face it, you can't win with pencils. Minus 5 bullets.
PENS
Here's the best thing about a good pen: when used properly, you can raise your asshole quotient substantially without really doing much of anything. And I mean that in a good way. Let me give you an example. Let's say you just picked up the day's New York Times because you like drawing mustaches on Condoleeza Rice and there's a nice big picture of her on the front page. You draw a huge curly mustache under her nose and head to work with the newspaper under your arm. When you get there, you walk into the break room and pour yourself a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, you overhear two of your co-workers who you hate talking about last night's "So You Think You Can Stuff a Whole Bunch of Bananas Into Your Anus" or something. Just to piss them off, you take a seat right down at the table next to them and flip to the Times crossword. You then yank your fancy Mont Blanc and start filling in the puzzle. Disgusted, they leave, thinking you're a pompous prick who doesn't think he ever makes a mistake (and also much smarter than them). And even though you've been filling in each answer with the word "SCROTY" (or "SCROTYBOATS" depending on the number of letters) you've managed to fill them with contempt. Congratulations! Plus 4 bullets.
QUILL PENS
When I rented the highly-praised documentary about quill pens from a few years ago entitled "Quills," I found out a few things about the writing utensil favored by Shakespeare and the framers of the Constitution that I didn't know before. For one thing, they apparently have a lot to do with Kate Winslet's exposed breasts. Now, I already was aware from seeing a similar documentary that Kate Winslet exposed her breasts during the sinking of the Titanic, but I really had no idea that they also were seemingly the inspiration for anyone who ever used a quill pen. No wonder so many of Shakespeare's plays and the Constitution are so randy! You know wha'm sayin'? "In order to form a more perfect union," indeed! Plus 2 bullets.
MARKERS
Okay, because I know it's what a lot of you are thinking, I'm just going to go ahead and get this out of the way: Duh hur hur hur you can huff markers and totally get hiiiiiigh duh hur hur hur! Which, fine, but this piece is not designed to be about whether or not the writing utensils can fuck you up. PCP can do that, but it doesn't mean you can make out a grocery list with it. (I've tried, believe me.) Anyway, markers are annoying. Have you ever listened to the sound it makes when you write on a piece of poster board with a Marks-A-Lot? It's excruciating. Fuck fingernails on a chalkboard, just the sound of somebody writing with a fucking marker makes me want to rip somebody's eyeballs out. Maybe yours, if you're close enough. Minus 6 bullets.
CHALK
You know, chalk had everything going for it -- the awesome cloud you get when you knock erasers together, those things where you can write 3 or 5 lines of the same thing if you put a whole bunch of piece of chalk in it, and the hilarity that comes from somebody (preferably a teacher) trying to write with it and it breaking in half as soon as they touch it to the board. But then somebody had to go and fuck it all up with one stupid, godawful idea: sidewalk chalk. Not only is the very phrase chokingly awful, but in execution it's one of the most repugnant things in our society today. If I see another announcement for a campus crusade or Young Democrats meeting on the walking surface in front of me in my lifetime, it'll be too soon. And don't even get me started on giant fucking pink flowers with stupid faces on them. If it were up to me, the only thing people could ever use sidewalk chalk for is drawing huge Misfits logos on the grounds of elementary schools. Now that would be downright enjoyable. Minus 7 bullets.
YOUR OWN BLEEDING FINGER
Say what you will about the aesthetics. But the fact remains that no matter the words you choose, nothing quite makes a statement with the panache of writing it with your own blood-gushing pointer. Whether you're saying "You never loved me, Charlene" or "Patches is my dog now, I'm buried with him in the back yard" or "Be sure to pick up some milk on the way home, love you, Chuck," that crimson touch just seems more...personal. Plus 3 bullets.
If you're wondering what my thoughts on the hammer and chisel are, well, let's just say I pretty much wrote this whole opinions piece with one. Believe it!
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