Planets and Other Junk in the Solar System, Part 2
THE ASTEROID BELT
I honestly could have sworn there was a specific name for this, but Wikipedia tells me it's just called the "Main belt," so I'll go with it. Anyway, the main asteroid belt is what separates us here in the inner solar system from the outer gas giants, who would probably totally kick our ass otherwise. So it's a pretty big help in that way. Likewise, scientists theorize that it was actually originally a fifth planet that got blown all to shit at some point, possibly because its inhabitants failed to listen to the one scientist who knew that it was going to be destroyed and who, at the last moment, sent his son via rocket ship to another planet to serve as its guardian and protector. That sceintist's name? Rex Aquaman. Plus 4 bullets.
JUPITER
What is there to say about Jupiter? Well, it's big, certainly. And it's got that one big red spot on it. Oh, and it has a bunch of moons, I guess. But what do you even call a big, fat, blemished celestial body with a bunch of small-time hangers-on constantly surrounding it, anyway? (You may enter the name of your least favorite female celebrity/heiress here.) Minus 5 bullets.
SATURN
Saturn has those cool rings and all, sure, but did they really have to go and name that car after it? It's an unfortunate fact that I'm pretty much never going to be able to separate the two in my mind for pretty much the remainder of my life. To the point such that any time somebody says, "Hey you can see Saturn in the sky tonight," I'm going to be thinking that when I look up I'll see an ugly car with Rubbermaid dent-resistant doors and headlights that are too close together. So what I'm saying is fuck you, GM. You ruined a perfectly good planet. Minus 2 bullets.
URANUS
Okay, let's get this out of the way quickly. Yes, its name sounds like "your anus." Yes, there is limitless humor potential there. And yes, it is often squandered by comedic minds of a lesser stature than the writers of Futurama, who came up with the idea of its name being changed to "Urectum." Phew. Now that that's out of the way, let me tell you what's really cool about the name. The Greek mythological figure Uranus was the father of all the gods, whose son Cronus the Titan (famous for eating his own children) castrated Uranus in his attempt to wrest power from him. And get this -- Aphrodite, the hottest chick in all of mythology, sprang from his severed balls. That's amazing. Plus 6 bullets.
NEPTUNE
Quick, name one notable thing about Neptune. Can't think of anything? My point exactly. Minus 3 bullets.
PLUTO
I know, I know, Pluto isn't officially a planet anymore. Well, whatever. To me, it's still pretty important. Par example: Without it, the phrase "my very eager mother just served us nine pizzas" becomes "my very eager mother just served us nine," which doesn't make any goddamn sense. The only way it could become once again coherent is if you took out the extremely forgettable Neptune and made it "my very eager mother just served us," making it into a statement about your mother's unshakable love of break dancing rather than her tendency to provide more food than is necessary to a small group of youngsters. Plus 1 bullet.
Hey, MW, you're probably asking, why did you leave out Eris and Ceres? Well, reader, that's between, me, Eris and Ceres, thank you very much.
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