Euphemisms for Male Genitalia
FAMILY JEWELS
There's something inherently creepy about calling one's reproductive organs their "family jewels," for a few reasons. First, it seems to imply that they have become petrified, rock or gem-like, and possibly sharp-edged. Secondly, it brings to mind this whole idea that they've been passed down over generations, like this was your father's penis, and his father's before him. The thought of my dad handing me over his genitals on a velvet pillow isn't exactly the most appealing thing that's ever entered my head. And lastly, it attributes a value to those parts that is simply too high. Sure, I value that stuff as much as any dude, but I'd rather not put them under glass, so as to never be used, even when I have the most prestigious house guests. Minus 6 bullets.
JUNK
Sort of the anti-"family jewels," the term "junk" has the opposite problem, in that it de-values the genitals to the point of something Sanford & Son would pick up off the side of the road and sell with an old sink. Luckily, the word "junk" is inherently funny, thus making any reference to "some dude's junk in your mouth" or an exhortation to "watch the junk" hilarious. Plus 4 bullets.
TWIG & BERRIES
Say all you will about the infantalization of culture, you know, sometimes, you need a term you can use for a dude's fellow-parts that you can say around a three-year-old. Yeah, sure, maybe it's better psychologically if you teach the kid the scientific terms for his penis and his testicles, but it's just weird to hear a little kid say that. It's much more palatable for the adults involved to hear the kid instead refer to a small piece of wood and two pieces of juicy fruit when he's talking about where the yellow water comes out. Also, this is a British term, which immediately makes it that much better. Plus 2 bullets.
COCK & BALLS
Oh, hello, subtlety. Hmm, what's that? Oh, you're heading out for the evening? Okay, see you later. Well, it looks like subtlety just walked out the door. Seriously, what's the point of a euphemism that doesn't actually obscure what you're talking about in the least? I actually think it's perfectly fine to use one word or another for each individual part, but saying it all together just makes it seem like you have a hard time thinking of words to say. Minus 3 bullets.
SPECIAL PURPOSE
Something like a secret handshake between people who have watched and loved "The Jerk," quite possibly the finest comedy ever made about a white guy who thinks he is black, acheives fame and fortune and loses it, while also managing to work at a carnival for a while. So it's like a bonus -- you get to subtly refer to male genitals, and you get to remind folks of when Steve Martin made decent movies. Everybody wins. Plus 1 bullet.
LOINS
Biblical in nature, "loins" goes so far as to actually refer to a whole different part of the body because the writers involved were so reticent to talk about those body parts that God made everyone with. Still, I guess I'm going to have to cut the term some slack, if for no other reason than referring to one's junk as their loins immediately gives everything a sort of Shakespearean, Sir-Lawrence-Olivier-style gravity. Try doing that with "crown jewels." It won't work. 0 bullets.
And now that I've spent the last half-hour writing about male genitals, I'm going to have to remind myself I'm heterosexual with a few hours of pornography. Wish me luck.
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