Planets and Other Junk in the Solar System, Part 1
THE SUN
The sun's a punk. Up there, all hot and shit. Knowing that it gives people down here on Earth who are just minding their own business cancer and and unwanted moles and stuff. I have to put on goop if I don't want it to burn me! And then it's got its stupid sunspots blocking out my cell phone reception. It's like the sun just wants to fuck up my day. Sure, you can argue that without the sun there wouldn't be any vegetation or life on Earth, but, I submit to you that I can't pick up radio signals in certain spots at certain times of the day. I say I win. Minus 2 bullets.
MERCURY
As a planet itself, Mercury's not terribly interesting. It's a small rock that sticks really close to the sun and has no atmosphere. It's kind of like the little brother who always hangs close to Mom just in case you happen to look at him funny so he can yell "Mooooom! Neptune is lookin' at me!" Luckily, Mercury has a couple saving graces. One, it shares a name with the element in thermometers that also poisoned a bunch of kids from the 50s who didn't know any better and put it on their tongues when they played with it. Also, Mercury is a car company that, while shitty, makes a car called a Cougar. You don't get much better than that. Plus 1 bullet.
VENUS
Venus has the unfortunate distinction of sharing a name with the Roman goddess of love, and as such reminds me of the Bananarama song "I'm Your Venus" every time I hear its name. And that's one of those songs that you just can't ever get out of your fucking head, no matter how hard you try. Like, right now, for instance. It's in there. And it's not coming out for at least, like, a day. So maybe Venus having the densest atmosphere of any of the planets is cool and all, but I don't even know because, seriously, all I can think about right now is that damn song. Minus 5 bullets.
EARTH
Earth's kind of mixed bag. On the one hand, it's where I live and is thus subsequently where all my stuff is. Also, it's where Spider-Man, ice cream sandwiches and titties come from. But then again, it's pretty overwhelmingly populated with douche bags. I'd say something like three-quarters of the folks on Earth are douche bags. So it's kind of a trade-off. Sure, you get all the chicken fingers you could want here. But...the douche bags. 0 bullets.
THE MOON
The moon is just so versatile. It can be a McDonald's spokesman who also happens to play the piano. Or it can be the location of any number of superhero headquarters. It can be a cartoon character who looks lovingly down on a pair of squirrels in love or something like that. Or an actual dude can play golf from it. And here's a secret: if the moon is full, and you look at it just right, it looks like there's a dude's face on there. For serious. And now you know. Plus 6 bullets.
MARS
Whatever happened to Mars being the super-mysterious Earth-like planet that was the focus of any number of kickass science fiction stories? The last time I can actually remember Mars being genuinely fun was during the whole "Mars Attacks!" phase with the trading cards of government officials and celebrities getting horribly mutilated. Now all the sci-fi folks can manage is a couple movies about astronauts going to Mars and meeting some benevolent alien race that teaches them the secret of the universe or some shit. Yawn. Minus 1 bullet.
I wonder what I'll include in the next part? The suspense must be killing you.
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