Types of Liquor, Part 1
SCOTCH
Mmmmmmmmmm, Scotch. I love the stuff and continue to drink it, even though any time I utter the phrase "I like Scotch," somebody invariably butts in with the "Scotchy Scotch Scotch" thing from the movie Anchorman and I can't berate them for being an idiot because I've been pounding back Scotch on the rocks all night and am distracted by the chick with the giant rack trying to play pool a few feet away. So I guess it makes me a nicer person, in a way. The really interesting thing about Scotch is that it's pretty much the only alcoholic beverage I can drink straight (because that's the only way to drink it) regardless of quality. Sure, a really expensive single malt is great and ideal, but I can definitely sip on Dewar's in a pinch. Or pretty much any time. Plus 8 bullets.
TEQUILA
Tequila is quite possibly the most conflicted liquor there is. Think about it -- the people who drink it straight are the craziest binge drinkers on the planet, people crazy and dumb enough to eat a worm after they knock back an entire fifth of distilled brown bitterness. But it's also the stuff in the frilliest mixed drinks on the planet -- margaritas. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that there must be frillier drinks than margaritas, and, yes, there are a lot of pinker drinks with tinier umbrellas in them. But consider: What drinks do prissy college girls get the most excited about? That's right. Frozen margaritas they get at Mexican restaurants. How many incredibly whipped boyfriends have been forced to sip from a frozen glass of green estrogen in the history of boyfrienddom? Too many, that's...how. Minus 5 bullets.
BOURBON
Everybody likes to point out that bourbon can only be made in Kentucky. That's great and all, except that it isn't true and it doesn't keep the stuff from tasting like it was purified through one of Lawrence Taylor's old jockstraps. In all honesty, there are much better corn liquors that exist, and quite a few of them are made in bathtubs. The fact that one is legitimized and sold in liquor stores and the rest are all relegated to bottles with three X's on them is irrelevant. Bourbon was just the lucky stepchild of far superior moonshines. Just imagine: an entirely different toothless men wearing overalls with only one strap could have become a millionaire if only one of bourbon's brothers had become the national spirit or whatever the hell it is. Really, imagine it. Minus 3 bullets.
OTHER WHISKIES
I know there are plenty of other named whiskies out there other than Scotch and bourbon, but I'm just going to lump them all into one category, and here's the reason why: If you watch an old Western and somebody orders a drink, they don't say, "I'll have a rye whiskey." No, they just say, "Gimme a whiskey." Because it's all fucking whiskey when you're considering if you're going to have to kill one of the members of your posse who done gone too far as you listen to the man play that old tune on the pianer. Or when you're trying to teach a young greenhorn how to become a real killin' man and you tell him to drink this because it'll put hair on his chest but of course he spits it out while you laugh at him for being a pussy. I love Westerns. Plus 4 bullets.
BRANDY
The only type of brandy I really know of is cognac. In turn, the only brands of cognac I'm really familiar with are Hennessy and Courvoisier. But, honestly, that's all I really need to know. Because I know that Nas drinks Hennessy and there's that one Busta Rhymes song about passing the Courvoisier. Which basically means really awesome people drink Hennessy and relatively not-always-annoying people drink Courvoisier. End of discussion. Plus 2 bullets.
ABSINTHE
Maybe if selling absinthe weren't illegal and it didn't require, like, special spoons and crazy billowy dry ice crap to drink it, there wouldn't be such a cult of weirdoes who love it so much. But unfortunately that's the way it is, and as such only the gothiest of goths who think that they can see ghosts and shit drink the stuff. Well, them and Trent Reznor, who wrote a whole fucking song about it and made a video in which he drank it while trying his damndest to look like the inside of an Edward Gorey story with a crazy looking hawk. I mean, I'm not usually one to judge something based on its fans...wait, what? Who am I kidding? I always judge things based on their fans. And fans of absinthe are weirdoes. Minus 6 bullets.
Next time: Clear liquors!
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