Types of Shoe
SNEAKERS
Here's the thing about sneakers: they look good for like, a week. And then, somehow, like magic, they suddenly look like they were made 25 years ago. They turn all brown and they go out of style and unless you're Warren Buffett you've got to keep wearing them for at least another couple months because they cost $250 a pop. Only one shoemaker to my knowledge has gotten around this problem. The whole reason Converse Chuck Taylors are cool is because they look like they were made 25 years ago. So basically what I'm trying to say is there's one good type of sneaker. Except even those don't help you sneak any better. That's false advertising, peolple. Minus 2 bullets.
LOAFERS
Yet another misnamed shoe, I have never seen anyone wearing loafers loaf, not once. Usually they're on a business casual trip to Chili's or looking at vinyl siding or something. However, that misnomer is somewhat rectified by the fact that penny loafers are the most aptly named thing ever. They've got a fucking penny in there. They have to. You see that shoe and it doesn't have a penny in it, it's not a fucking penny loafer. It should also be noted that if there's a nickel in there, it's not a nickel loafer, because that would be stupid. It's a crime against humanity. Plus 1 bullet.
SANDALS
Okay, I can completely understand why people wore sandals in Jesus times, because that's all there was, and it was either that or deal with all the glass and shit in the road on your way to Damascus. I get that. But with all the many alternatives now, why would anyone the fuck wear sandals? Is it some kind of be more like Jesus mentality? A longing for other people to see your toes? A burning desire for your feet to be cold? Or is it because you want to wear them with socks and be a dick? I bet it's the last one. Minus 4 bullets.
FLIP-FLOPS
I will say this about flip-flops: they have one very useful purpose, and that's to wear in the shower in college so you don't get foot herpes or something. But that's the only one. What's that, you say? You can wear them on the beach so you don't burn the bottom of your feet? Um, excuse me? Do I look like a pussy to you? No? That's why I walk on the beach and get fucking blisters on my feet and I fucking like it. Anyway, flip-flops. They're annoying. Shit, they actually make that sound. Their onomatopoeia name. That sound. Fuck them. Minus 6 bullets.
BOOTS
What's the best thing for kicking? That's right, boots. Get some damn steel-toed, huge bastards with that crazy awesome tread on the bottom of it and you can just put boot to jaw, man. And boots are good for other things too, like...um...work? Hiking? Look, does anything but the kicking matter, really? I'm glad we can agree on this. Plus 8 bullets.
SLIPPERS
Slippers are one of the many reasons I wish I lived in the 1950s (among the others: guys with glasses got to have sex with hot girls, 3-D horror films, communist paranoia). Every dad in the world just got to come home and eat dinner and wear some slippers as he read the paper in his reclining chair. And dads in the 1950s were clearly the most comfortable people ever, with their pipes and their hardworking but relaxed demeanor. Shit, I need to get me some slippers. Maybe I can relive those better times in American history. Plus 5 bullets.
You'll notice I left out women's shoes. Well, that's because all I know about women's shoes is that some have heels and others don't. So I'm not sure even I'm really prepared to judge.
--------