Miss Hazell, I Would Never Post Our Sex Video on the Internet
Dear Famed British Breast Model Keeley Hazell,
I have adhered to this point to your friendly attorney's many cease and desist requests following my previous missive to you with a quiet dignity and respect that would only befit a man of my stature and courage. However, upon the startling news that a video of your sexual exploits with someone who is not me broke on the filth network we call the Internet, I could no longer maintain my silence.
Of course, my initial reaction was to download the video, watch it and masturbate furiously. However, after that occurred, I found myself in a state of complete shock and horror. How could this dude, who probably wears green and purple stripey Polo shirts all the time and talks about actually playing polo to his asshole friends -- you know the type -- violate your trust so blatantly and post consensually made video evidence that you had engaged in hardcore fucking with him for the world to see?
That, madam, is a travesty.
Miss Hazell, I will make this promise to you now, and knowing me as a man of great trust who has acheived no less than level 50 of achievement in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, I am sure you realize you can take my word as an unbreakable bond. If you consent to my request to bare down on my junk in the back seat of my Mazda 626, and we make a pact to commit such an act to tape, I vow that I will never post said video on the world wide web, even for like, a thousand dollars cash.
Keep in mind that one thousand is equal to ten hundred. We are talking no small change here.
I further promise you that I will exert total directorial control over our lovemaking film, and will make sure that the shots are artfully composed such as to most favorably accentuate your most beautiful features (your British breasts). There will be no highly frustrating shots in which basically none of the action can be seen because the camera is set up slightly to the right of everything that's going on. Also, there won't be like, ten minutes of me sitting there with my dick out, because, really, nobody wants to see that, even though I assure you my penis is highly luxurious and lustrous. There will be accurate depictions of the doggystyle, the woman on top, the reverse cowgirl, and of course, a glorious money shot, that I will aim to whichever spot I feel is most appropriate for the moment.
The key word is tasteful.
Miss Hazell, I cannot express to you how regretful I am that your private, homemade video with your on-again-off-again boyfriend with whom you likely broke up in such a way as to embitter him, giving him an easy opportunity to embarrass you in front of your mom, who I'm sure was so proud of your breast modeling before this, but this simply goes too far, was made so public. Partially because it was so disappointing, I mean, I expected so much more from the Keeley Hazell sex tape to be honest, but also because it has clearly caused you much personal turmoil.
Please, allow me to comfort you.
The back seat of my 1996 Mazda 626 is reasonably clean, and I could easily move to the front the rap CDs and old comics that I didn't think were good enough to take into my house which currently clutter it. I'll even take my bowling ball out of there. I assure you that in there, it will just be you, me, a high-definition digital camera and some expensive lighting equipment to really make the fucksweat pop on the screen. You'll forget all about stripey Polo shirt guy, and only remember the gallant thrill of taking a ride on the MW train.
Luxurious. Lustrous.
Once the film is completed, we will store the single DVD copy produced into a safe to which each of us will have a key necessary for access, so that no wronged member of the relationship will have singular control over the film. Then, whenever you feel like you would like to re-experience the wondrous moment in the '96 626, which I have named Sixy, and I don't necessarily feel like getting down to it because I'm tired or you've put on a little weight, it will be right there for your personal enjoyment.
You may thank me then.
Luxuriolustrously,
MW
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