Subject: hi the.naked.canadian
Virginia Bergman wrote:
Um...good? Look, let's not fuck about here. Where's the naked Canadian? I can't wait around for this all day.
Listen, Virginia, it's one thing to tease me by telling me your e-mail will include some type of naked Canadian -- both an enticement and a deterrent once I remembered that both the chick who plays Lana on "Smallville" and Alanis Morrissette are Canadian. So I'm actually entrusting my potential arousal and/or disgust to you here.
And here you are spouting off gibberish that may or may not include innuendo about my latent boner -- my pseudoboner, if you will, which you call "Cana Petroleum" for some reason -- "heading straight up."
So, I'll ask you again. Am I going to see this naked Canadian or not?
Virginia! Enough with the sexual innuendo already! Just show me some maple-syrup-covered tits, for Christ's sake!
And yet you sill won't let me see her "publicity campaign." This is wrong, Virginia.
So...so wait. Is "Cana Petroleum" the naked Canadian or the name you gave my pseudoboner earlier? I'm confused.
Oh, come on! I'm about to explode here!
Current Price: 5.87
Projected Price: $15.40
Hold it. Hold it. I have to pay? And she only charges between five and fifteen bucks? Well, there goes my pseudoboner.
Okay, you've lost me. I'm going to guess that "stats" are breasts, and "the level 2" is her ass. Am I close?
Um...so now "the PR campaign" is my pseudoboner and "smashing news" is...I'm gonna say semen? This is getting complicated, Virginia. I'm going to need a Canadian-sexual-slang-to-English dictionary for the rest of this, I think.
So...she might be pregnant? Oh shit, Virginia. What have my pseudoboner and I done???
Oh Christ, she is pregnant! Tell her...tell her I went out for some smokes. It'll be better this way.
I'm sorry, naked Canadian! Tell little CNPM Jr. I love him!
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Got a question for MW and his pseudoboner? Are you a now-teenaged CNPM Jr. who is angry that he never grew up with a father, but now wants to meet the man face-to-face? Send me an e-mail!
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