Eulogy
Well...what is there to say about Eugene, really?
I will say that I can't even begin to understand how anyone could choke to death on shampoo and not even be in the shower, but you know...he was (ahem)...he was an unpredictable guy.
I...um...I'd known Eugene since we were kids. His family lived next door to me and my parents. I remember his hot sister, Annabeth, used to babysit me sometimes, and, you know, sometimes I'd sneak into the bathroom at his house when she'd be taking a shower, just to see if I could see anything. I -- actually, I see Annabeth is here. Those...those were some crazy times, huh? I can see you're getting emotional remembering it. I...I feel the same way.
Eugene and me kept in touch for almost his whole life, even after I moved away to get into the go-go business world of ceramic tile and he stayed behind to manage the Subway on Macon Terrace. I understand that he had every "Hill Street Blues" DVD that has so far been released, so, you know, that's...that's an accomplishment.
I remember a lot about Eugene and me as kids. More than anything, I remember that one time he went into our bathroom and took a dump in the tank rather than the bowl, a technique I would...I would later discover is referred to as an "upper decker." Our bathroom smelled for weeks, and it was another three months before my mother would let him back in our house. To this day, he has never explained to me why he did it or -- or even acknowleged that it happened. My guess was that he may very well have done it while in some kind of sleepwalking state, or that maybe he was just a dick.
Oh, right! Eulogy!
I--uh--no, Eugene was a good guy, though. I remember this one time, I fell off my bicycle and Eugene went straight away to my house, got a first aid kit and patched up the scraped knee and sprained wrist I had -- oh, wait. No. That...that might have been Chris from across the street. No, no, that was...yeah, that was Chris.
Hmm.
I...I can see this is getting to you, Annabeth. We're all feeling the loss today, I know.
Oh! Oh, I remember now! One time, Eugene and I were walking through the woods, the ones back behind the neighborhood, just talking about stuff, scaring each other into thinking there were snakes around, you know the kind of things kids do. Anyway, we were walking around out there and all of a sudden he's like, "Hey, you want to put your thing in my ass?" And I'm like, "No, why would I want to do that? That's weird," and -- um...actually what I meant to say is...we saw a bear and we were scared, and he -- uh -- he kicked the bear in the face?
Yeah, that's what he did.
Actually, you know what? Look, I'm just going to come out and say it. Basically the only reason I went over to see Eugene was that he had a Sega Genesis. I mean, he had Altered Beast. That -- that was a pretty good game. The level where you turn into a wolf? You could do that, like, lightning bolt attack? I mean, yeah. Sweet.
And, you know, ever since then, he's just called me up every once in a while, mainly to talk about those DVDs.
So...anyway...later, Eugene.
Oh, before I leave, Annabeth, you doing anything later? Plans?
You're busy? Okay then.
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