Board Games, Part 2
CLUE
When I was like, six or seven, I used to play Clue all the time with the members of my family who were willing to do it. Which, of course, became a smaller and smaller group as time progressed, because I usually started off each game by (always incorrectly) guessing the killer, murder weapon and room, thereby immediately ending it. So there would be a grand total of like, 10 minutes of getting the game board out and setting up and then about five seconds of actual gameplay. Man, my family must have hated me when I was a kid. Even more than they do now. That said, what other game could give us such characters as Professor Plum, Miss Peacock or Colonel Mustard, whose attainment of the rank of colonel remains a mystery to this day? None, that's what. Plus 6 bullets.
YAHTZEE
There are so many things I dislike about Yahtzee that I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I'll start with the name. It's complete nonsense (and has come to be an extremely annoying common-use exclamation), but according to Wikipedia it orginates from the word yacht, because the inventors of the game used to play it on their yacht together. That's piss. People who invent board games should be struggling toymakers with newborn babies who have to figure out a way to make it out of their lives of squalor in a one-room apartment, not some jackholes fucking around on their yacht. Second, the game just involves way too fucking much counting. If I wanted to spend my free time adding shit up, I'd engineer a spaceship or something. Third, all that comes in the package is a cup, some dice, pencils and paper. Shit, anybody could make that and sell it for $14.99. Fuck you, Milton Bradley. Minus 10 bullets.
OPERATION
The best thing about Operation is that anybody who has the use of at least one arm can play it. There are no complicated trivia questions or math problems or requirements of physical exertion. No, you just take some tweezers and try to pull out a wishbone. That's just fun. Also, it very accurately depicts the realities of the world of hospital medicine. Forget that garbage you see on ER about needing CCs of things "stat," all doctors do, ever, is pull out people's bones with tweezers. And if they touch the side, the patient's nose lights up. And to think they get paid as much as they do. Fucking doctors. Plus 5 bullets.
TWISTER
Less a board game than an excuse to touch the pert asses of co-eds, Twister itself is pretty damn overrated. Yes, I know, you might get to touch some boob, and that's great, but as far as the actual playing of the game, I've never been involved in a session that didn't just end up in some awkward situation where people feel uncomfortable. I mean, there's almost never a clear winner and more often than not the person you most want to get close to ends up with her face in some other dude's crotch and you just have to sit there, trying to act like it's all cool. Or, worse yet, your face ends up in that dudes crotch, and maybe he smells bad. Listen, there are just way too many risks. Why not just get drunk and screw in the car instead? It's just easier that way. Minus 3 bullets.
BALDERDASH
Of all the so-called "adult" board games, Balderdash is pretty much the only one that is actually worth playing (maybe Pictionary is, too). Too many times they just make the games so overcomplicated that they're just not worth the trouble, but Balderdash, played with a clever enough group of people, is actually pretty damn fun. And, you know, even with dumb people it's pretty good, because more often than not their answers are so ridiculous that they're hilarious. Also, there's the fun of getting the word that's just really vaguely sexual so you get like six variations on really carefully worded descriptions of horrible sex acts. That just makes for a fun evening. Plus 2 bullets.
CHESS
You know, chess would be great if people didn't take it so damn seriously. I mean, really, taking something like 15 minutes between moves is just fucking ridiculous. I play games so I'm not bored, not so I can be bored while you sit there and try to figure out if you're going to castle up or some shit. Just move your pawn out there and be done with it. More often than not I just want to play chess as if it were checkers and just try to take as many of my opponent's pieces as I can. Somebody should make that a game. You move the chess pieces the way they move, but each peice is exactly the same value. That'd probably be pretty fun. Anyway, get over yourselves, chess people. Computers are better than you anyway. Just have fun already. Minus 1 bullet.
Up next: Part 3, maybe, because I still need to mention that Donald Trump game my brother had when I was little.
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