Board Games, Part 1
MONOPOLY
OMG! MONOPOLY GAMES AM SO LOOOOOONG! LOL! Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's move on. It strikes me as pretty odd that Monopoly is probably the one game that everybody owns. I mean, it's based on some pretty complicated economic concepts, way beyond what young children can understand or should care about. Not to mention concepts that pretty much shoot right out of the early 20th Century and haven't really applied in any of the past 30 years. I mean, buying railroads and waterworks? Putting hotels on Baltic Avenue? I mean, why not just include a Chance card that says you've gone out of business because of the effects of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act? That said, it is pretty fun to be the thimble or the hat or the car. That iron fucking blows, though. Minus 1 bullet.
SCRABBLE
Monopoly may be the game everyone owns, but Scrabble is the game I've seen the most people be the most passionate about. Which is pretty odd for any number of reasons. I mean, what is it about placing wooden tiles to make words that gets some people so hyped up? "I get to show my verbal prowess! Whooo! Let's get psyched!" I mean, yeah, the game is fun, but not because of the fact that you get to show off how smart you are. It's in getting to make up words and see if anyone catches you on it. One time, my brother made up the word "sevenfurs" and really tried to make it fly. I called his ass on it, but that's part of the fun, too. He then used the word "anus." My brother's pretty cool sometimes. Plus 3 bullets.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT
Now, this is the game that I get most psyched about, partially because it allows me to use my smarmy, assholish "answer all the questions on Jeopardy!" powers in a real, competitive setting. Yeah, I'm that guy. Anyway, I often forget that there's even a board in Trivial Pursuit, in that the questions are really what the game's all about and the board game part of it, with the wheel and the little pie pieces, is just about the most counter-intuitive thing ever. But hey, the answering the questions is fun. It's probably just best played without the board at all. Plus 6 bullets.
CHUTES AND LADDERS
Hey! Here's an idea for a game! You roll a die, and you move. If you move to the wrong place, you go down a whole bunch of spaces. If you go to the right place, you get to jump ahead. It's got all the mechanics of a fun board game, but eliminates all the fun trivia or strategy. Brilliant! Minus 5 bullets.
CANDY LAND
Or, better yet, why don't you make a game that's entirely up to chance -- based on a card you draw rather than the roll of a die -- and then gay it up a whole bunch? Seriously, this game created just about the entirety of Rosie O'Donnell's male fan base. Yeah, I played it. And you know what? I enjoy a frilly mixed drink every now and again. I don't think that's a coincidence. Minus 7 bullets.
CHECKERS
Now, this is a game. There's a definite strategy to it, but it's simple enough that a 7-year-old can play it. It's pretty damn perfect. And don't tell me that you don't just feel like a total badass when you tell your opponent to king you or when you get to jump like, eight checkers at once. It's just so damn satisfying. And, just in case you feel like you really need to feel refined, you can play Chessters, a game my friend invented, which is just Checkers with Chess pieces. It's great. Plus 5 bullets.
In the next part: Operation, Clue, Chess and probably some other things!
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