Types of House Pet
DOGS
I like dogs. For one thing, the loyalty. They pretty much do what you want them to. At least, if you're their owner. I mean, obviously most attack dogs are going to attack you even when you don't want to be attacked. That is, unless you own them, and you can make the dog attack other people. Then they're still doing what you wanted them to do even though they aren't doing what other people want them to do. I mean they're attacking them, right? That's why you got the attack dog. And I bet if you owned an attack dog and you wanted it to attack you for some reason, it would do it.
I forgot where I was going with this.
Anyway, I like dogs. Plus 8 bullets.
CATS
I realize that most people are either so-called dog people or so-called cat people and I guess I'm a dog person. But I don't really get the idea that just because you're one type of person means you have to harbor some kind of hatred toward the other group (both in terms of animals and people). I'm not like that. I have no problem with people who like cats. Well, most of them. And if I actually had to give my opinion about cats themselves, it's more or less one of indifference. Yeah, when I was little my grandmother had this cat that used to scratch my arm and I had to bleed into a bucket before I came back in the house and that blew, but I've also seen kittens that climb on furniture and do kitten things that are pretty damned enjoyable to watch. So I can go either way. 0 bullets.
GUINEA PIGS/HAMSTERS
I never really understood the idea of guinea pigs or hamsters as pets, or any type of rodent, for that matter. I mean, yeah, they come out of their little house in their glass cage and run around on their little wheels, and it's kinda neat, but, I want a relationship with my pet, not just to watch him do a pointless exercises all day. And they eat pellets. It's like they're eating packing peanuts. I just feel bad for them. Plus, those little hamster cages kinda freak me out. I guess its the woodchips on the floor. Maybe it reminds me of all the times in my childhood where I stood in my uncle's wood shop and inhaled chips of pine until I cried or passed out. Minus 4 bullets.
FISH
For some reason, I always wanted a fish tank when I was little. I don't really know why. I guess it was just the fact that I would be taking care of and naming an animal that was intended to live underwater in my own dry-land home. It's like a science-fiction idea Jules Verne would have come up with a century ago if it wasn't already a reality. To have a fish in your home would be to laugh in the face of nature, saying: "Look at this! I need not your primative inlets and tributaries! Behold! With water that has spewn forth from my very own tap, these fish live!" And I would going to name one of them "Chester AL-FIN Arthur," and that's just goddamn clever. Plus 5 bullets.
SNAKES
Snakes are fun. I mean, what other pet affords you the opportunity to watch it digest? I mean, you give the thing a rat, and there it goes, right into the mouth, down the esophagus, into the digestive tract, the stomach, the intestines, and...here it comes...oh, it just took a shit. Now I can go back to watching "The Price is Right." That's the life. Bonus: People are scared to hear when someone owns a snake. And that's pretty cool. Plus 2 bullets.
RABID BADGERS
I've said it a hundred times if I've said it once: No matter how cool those Hollywood celebrities might make it seem, carrying around a rabid badger in your pants is just not a good idea. Minus 3 bullets.
Hey, could you tell I wrote this, like, four years ago? If you could, you win our grand prize! Which is nothing.
Thanks for playing.
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