Victory Speech
It's been a tough year and a half, but we did it, didn't we? The voters of the 3rd District have spoken!
(Thunderous applause.)
There are so many people to thank. My wife, who has always stood by me, even when nearly a dozen women all told local media outlets that I had fathered their children. Rita, you knew better than to believe their so-called paternity tests showing that I was a 99.9 percent DNA match with their sandy-haired, fair-skinned children with green eyes. And I promise all of you that, as in this case, I will not cowtow to the special interests in Washington just because they have startlingly convincing evidence. They will not sway me from my resolve!
(Applause.)
I need to thank my campaign managers, one of whom was among the dozen women I mentioned earlier. We didn't always see eye-to-eye, Tina, but we got here, didn't we?
(Laughter.)
And, of course, I need to thank you, all my supporters, for sending me to look down those fat-cats in Washington and repeat our message to everyone in the halls of Congress, a message we must call out on the hilltops, all across this great nation!
(Very loud applause, cheers.)
We must, without question, wipe out the handicapped!
(Scattered applause, murmurs.)
We will not back down, we will not surrender in our fight against those with mental and physical disabilities, with their special parking places and bathroom stalls. Did you know they even have their own schools, with their own school buses that no other children get to ride on? And the blindies and deafies even have their own special code languages! These people are an unyielding drain on our society, they do nearly nothing to further the American cause, and our government has made the great mistake of actually giving them privileges.
My aim is to end all that. And end them.
Really, the "Special" Olympics? They're too good for our regular Olympics? There's only one word for that: hubris. Selfish, hurtful, hubris. What might they be plotting at their special meetings after the electric wheelchair race? We can't even imagine.
(Silence.)
And I know that, with your support, we can acheive this goal. The letters and phone calls I have already received have shown me that much of my new constituency has nothing but goodwill for my plan to rid this country of those people who have sought to destroy our freedom. Only one month ago, I told the nation in our first debate that I would do everything in my power to seek out and kill anyone who dares to try to cause harm to our American way of life. By that, I'm sure you all knew that I meant the handicapped. And you agreed.
(Murmurs.)
When I laid out several specifics of my plan to my opponent upon his request, which I did not reveal to anyone else in fear they may co-opt it to their own purposes, he told me that it was so shockingly brillant that he would not even dare repeat it to the voters. He then called me a political "monster" and left my campaign headquarters without another word. He knew then that he had no chance of taking this election, because he resigned in what he called "disgust" (of, I take it, his own horrible chances) the following day.
He knew that he was dealing with someone who knew how to get the job done!
(Coughs, sounds of a few people getting up to leave.)
And do not think that these are merely empty promises. I have already secured nearly 200 giant metal containers into which the handicapped will be rounded up and which will then be dumped into the Atlantic Ocean.To get our enemies into the containers, we will promise them cookies. Early tests have shown that this will work beautifully.
By the way, we're not just limiting this to humans. We're going to try to get some of those three-legged dogs in there, too, and diabetics, who might as well not be human.
(Tina approaches the stage.)
Wha--What's that? No, I'm just -- I'm not finished. Later, Tina. Later.
Once we acheive our goal with the handicapped, we must move forward with our crusade against those who aim to destroy our freedom. The elderly. Children. People with disgusting growths on their faces and necks. Anyone with a skin condition. Spinsters. The Chinese. Bearded men. People who say that "Friends" is their favorite TV show even though it's off the air. The unemployed.
(Sound of the collective remaining audience's mouths gaping.)
Let us not forget this mission. Let us not get bogged down with unimportant issues like taxes or terrorism. There is a much greater threat out there, dear friends. And that threat is several unsavory groups of people. We must elimnate them and eliminate them now.
I thank you for your vote, I hope to represent you well in Washington, and God bless America.
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