The goatee had its time in the sun. And indeed, it perfectly exemplified everything that was right with the late '90s. Booming tech stocks and unneccessary e-commerce sites. A nationwide obsession with latte. The short-lived career of MTV VJ Idalis. Those godawful monochrome shirt-tie combinations people wore to be like Regis for some reason. We associate the goatee with all these things, and that is just as it should be. But, listen to me, friends. The goatee's time has come and gone. Those of you still clinging to your halcyon days of yore in which gas was affordable and everyone in the world didn't hate us, I implore you. That time has passed. Let it go. And let go of your goatee. It'll be okay. I promise. Minus 5 bullets.

Yes, Amish people have them. But don't let that give you the wrong impression of the chinstrap's utility. Let's imagine for a moment that you were kidnapped by Viking ghosts or something and they tied, like, a sandpapery strip of material around your head so that it went under your chin. You would thank the Lord above for the cushion that chinstrap beard provided. Just consider that. And I can think of literally two or three other very practical uses for just such facial hair. Don't sell it short. Also of note: apparently the November Beard Club calls it a "chin curtain" which sort of makes it sound like a sexual act of some kind. To which I say, bonus points. Plus 3 bullets.

Yeah, I know that's not technically a soulpatch. It's more of a Satan goatee thing. But (and this is important) by all appearances it does not look as if the Novemer Beard Club even recognizes the soulpatch as an official style of facial hair. And with good reason. The soulpatch is, plain and simple, the end of civilization as we know it. I cannot exaggerate this point. You know who has soulpatches? Studio executives. And talent agents. And like, guys who wear sunglasses all the time. Essentially, people without souls at all. Note the irony. And fear the soulpatch. Minus 11 bullets.

Look at that guy up there. I mean, look at that guy! Do I really even need to say anything? Can I even attempt to? Honestly, say what you will about Chester A. Arthur's politics, but the man knew how to wear his facial hair. Shit, I'm gonna start growing some mutton chops right now. Plus 10 bullets.

And with nearly 45 seconds of mutton chop growing behind me, I already feel renewed.

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