Decades, Part 1
1890-1899
Let's just run down the list of events here. Early production of automobiles started. Okay, that's not bad. The Spanish-American War led to us getting stuck with the Phillipines and not knowing what to do with it for half a century. Not so good. But it also got us Hawaii, which meant that "Hawaii 5-0" and "Magnum P.I." were later destined for television greatness. Sweet. Then again, Thomas Hardy wrote "Tess of the D'urbervilles," quite possibly the worst book ever. Ugh. But H.G. Wells created the science fiction genre with "War of the Worlds." And Nikola Tesla invented lots of stuff, giving tacit approval to the existence of bitchin' metal band Tesla. Also, the decade was referred to as "the gay nineties," which is good for a chuckle. I guess that's worth Plus 1 bullet.
1900-1909
As far as I can tell, only a few really important things happened in the 20th Century's first decade. The Wright brothers performed the first flight, Einstien came up with some pretty important science stuff, and Theodore Roosevelt fucked some dudes up. Other than that, this may be the boringest decade on record. Oh, sure, you could mention some garbage about the Second Boer War or the Panama Canal something. But I would suggest if you do so to consider what you just said. Yeah, exactly. You're reaching there, pal. Not that you didn't try, and I appreciate the effort. But come on, the Second Boer War? I thought you were better than that. Minus 6 bullets.
1910-1919
Now this is a decade that in almost every sense was better than the one that preceded it (except the president wasn't as awesome). Einstien did much more important science stuff than in the previous decade (the general theory of relativity, for one thing). Planes actually got some use in a war that was characterized by the use of the word "Huns" and those killer helmets with the pointy things on the top. The Russian Revolution gave us both Lenin and Trotsky, along with their awesome beards. Oh, and both the toaster and the zipper were invented. If it weren't for the Titanic sinking and leading to that godawful movie, this would be a damn near perfect decade. And all those people dying from mustard gas, I guess. But, still. Plus 5 bullets.
1920-1929
Prohibition! Whoo! Seriously, the twenties birthed not only the awesomeness of organized crime and the Tommy gun, but also some of the best slang in all of American history. "Hooch?" "Hoosegow?" "Palooka?" You don't get any better than that. Also, T.S. Eliot and Kafka wrote some awesome stuff, and Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton made some of the best film comedy of the 20th Century. I mean, no, not everything was great. Calvin Coolidge may be the most boring president ever, the KKK was at the height of its power during the first Red Scare and flapper clothes made women look like window drapes, but hey, I mean, we also got the term "bee's knees" out of it, so I think we came out pretty well in the end. Oh, also, a dude figured out a way to get people to eat mold by inventing penicillin. It's like, the most elaborate "eat this" bet ever. "I dare you to eat this gross mold! If you do, won't have gonorrhea anymore!" Brilliant. Plus 4 bullets.
1930-1939
Oh, boo hoo. The Great Depression. More like a great excuse to make me rake leaves or clean gutters or eat disgusting food. Honestly, if it weren't for the 1930s, there wouldn't be any of those "back in my day we had to eat rocks and we liked it" or "back in my day we worked all day in a granite mine and got paid with a cock in the mouth" stories that are the cause for basically all the childhood work anyone has had to do for their grandparents and forced eating of meals consisting of ground-up apple cores. Meanwhile, while people in America were feeling sorry for themselves, Hitler and Mussolini were over in Europe telling people to stop hitting themselves and being just general dicks and ramping up the whole fascism thing that's come back to bite us in the ass one too many times. You know what else happened in the '30s? Pluto was discovered, and it's not even a planet anymore. Worthless. Thanks a lot, 1930s. Minus 8 bullets.
1940-1949
Allow me to preface this by saying that I know a hell of a lot of people died in the 1940s and quite possibly the worst atrocities in the history of the world -- Holocausts and atomic bombings -- happened in this decade, so note that I'm keeping all this in mind when I say what I'm about to say. The 1940s were awesome. Allow me to explain. Okay, I know that superheroes were actually created in the late '30s, but let's face it, the '40s were the decade that they really came into their own. I mean, this is the decade in which we first saw the images of Superman asking people to buy war bonds and Captain America punching Hitler in the goddamn face. Which, to me, is pretty much the basis of all American culture. And imagine what movies and video games would be like now without World War II. My guess is that we wouldn't even have any. There's an entire subgenre of science fiction based on alternate universes where the Nazis won the war, even. I mean, if you were even beginning to doubt my point here, there's your proof. Plus 7 bullets.
In Part II: beatniks, hippies, disco, yuppies, grunge, and crippling, suffocating fear. Shit, when I put it that way, I'm not sure even I'm looking forward to it.
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