The Turds
I thought I would review Nacho Libre for you fine folks here this evening, but as it turned out, the audience in the theater when I saw it Friday night turned my viewing of the movie into the worst moviegoing experience of my entire life. I may explain more later. Just rest assured that I thought the movie was pretty cute, or at least what I could hear of it.
Since that idea was so thoroughly ruined, I've instead decided to pay attention to an e-mail I recieved a few days ago:
Mel wrote:
and I think you may be of some help to me. I'm reaching out to you on behalf of M80 and Ignited Minds regarding the launch of an online game called Donkey Pong And The Adventures Of Rimdiana Jones. Have you heard of it? If not, it is the first from The Turds collection of roguish comedic characters born from the best of toilet humour. Since you mentioned Frogger, would you mind checking out the site and possibly posting a review on your blog? You seem like a reputable influencer, so I think you'd be a big help to us.Here's a link to the game site: http://www.funsta.com/turds/
Please let me know what you think. Thanks for your time! Mel / M80
Games about turds??? How can I go wrong?????
Actually, I usually don't pay attention to these types of things, but this Mel person actually decided to flatter me, so that got him or her a few brownie points.
Hehehehe. Brownie.
Sorry. Anyway, I clicked on the link in the e-mail and actually played a couple of these games, and my first impression: They're shit. Total shit.
HahahahAHAHhahahAHAHa!
I'll stop that, I promise.
If you haven't already guessed, here's the premise of these Flash game creations: remakes of old school arcade games, but instead of the normal characters, they use turds. And there are like flies buzzing around, and all kinds of sewer-related things. Oh, and turds!
How appealing.
Apparently, they've only unveiled two out of five games they plan to make -- a Donkey Kong remake (the one mentioned in the e-mail) and a Frogger remake called Bogger. Apparently also planned are remakes of Q*Bert and RC Rally, and another game called Turd Hereos (sic): Men in Cack.
Just to give you an idea of the quality of the game reproductions, here's a screenshot of the Donkey Kong remake.
See, instead of Mario, there's a piece of shit. And instead of Donkey Kong, there's a piece of shit. And instead of the princess? You got it. A piece of shit. Surprisingly, the barrels are still regular barrels. However, there is a fart with eyes floating around. Apparently, "roguish comedic characters born from the best of toilet humor" translates to these people (who are English, it appears) as "floaters with hats on."
I'll let you take a guess as to what sorts of changes they've made to Frogger.
And, you know what? It would actually be tolerable if it weren't for the fact that the games also play horribly. The Donkey Kong remake actually plays slower than regular old Donkey Kong from 25 years ago, and the Frogger remake, if memory serves me, seems to be missing parts of the game. The controls suck ass, too. Trying to jump over a barrel in the Donkey Kong game requires some sort of ESP.
Essentially, playing these games is so sluggish and annoying it's like wading ankle-deep in a vast reservior of pig manure.
Which, I suppose, is appropriate.
Maybe it's some kind of British thing, but I'm afraid you can't sell me on your Flash games solely on the fact that you've replaced every character (and subsequently every other background and foreground object) into feces. You tell me, British people. Does an old school game remade with pieces of shit sound appealing to you? And if so, why? Also, what's wrong with you?
Oh, and this is even better. Apparently there are ringtones, wallpapers and other merchandise for sale in conjunction with this. Like they're expecting fans to pop up everywhere.
Although I guess that Crazy Frog thing did catch on. And that was just as stupid. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about here.
In fact, in light of this revelation, I have decided to redesign this blog so as to be more appealing to the public. All characters from this point on will be made into adventurous pieces of shit and horribly annoying singing amphibians.
I am going to make a fucking mint.
Final Judgment on The Turds: A loathsome pile of crap.
(Hehehehehehe.)
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