The Other CRACKED Bloggers
A note: The number of bullets in this particular piece does not denote a measure of approval or disapproval. Rather, it describes -- in reference to the other CRACKED Bloggers -- how many times I want to shoot them.
BARTLEBY H. MCFINN (of Regicides Anonymous)
I think I've made my thoughts about this guy pretty well known, and yet, he continues to be a provacateur and a thorn in my side. He recently made the accusation that I am a black African American, which is an outright fallacy. I have made it very clear that I am one sixteenth black, and no more, which accounts for my rhythm and enormous genitals. For the record, I am also half caucasian, a quarter American Indian, one-eighth Pacific Islander, and the remaining sixteenth is creamy nougat. Because he has made such libelous comments about me, I will speak no more of this McFinn character, unless, of course, he provokes me. Worth 7 bullets.
ROBOTMAN (of Robotman! The Blog)
In a similar vein, this Robotman character has recently issued threats against my well-being in a post in which he also takes it upon himself to constantly refer to and show in picture form his well-muscled ass. And while it is impossible to refute the claim that the ass is indeed a fine specimen, it is insufferably bad taste for him to rub our faces in it, especially those of us who have serious ass handicaps that I asked him not to tell anyone about. Anyway, Robotman threatens in the post that he will dig a hole in front of my house so that I may fall into it for his amusement. Well, the joke's on him.
I just burned down my house. Where you gonna dig your hole now, Robotman? Mwahahahahahaha! Where you gonna dig it now???? Worth 4 bullets.
LORD GROWLY (of Lord Growly)
Don't tell anyone about this, but I hear from some inside sources that this Lord Growly dude actually had worms at one point. Seriously, that's gross. Also, he recently posted some nonsense about how my fellow blogger and professional also-ran Sean Crespo is participating in some kind of fabricated feud among us CRACKED bloggers, which I assure you is a fabrication. There is no feud. We are all best friends. At least we will be after I shoot Lord Growly with 3 bullets.
MATT TOBEY (of Matthew Tobey's City of Floating Blogs)
According to his most recent post, Mr. Tobey has recently had a baby come into his family, making him a daddy. Well, here's what I have to say about that. Get ready, because it's coming, and it's going to come hard. Congratulations. On an entirely unrelated note, Matt Tobey is stupid. Worth 2 bullets.
PETER LYNN (of Man vs. Clown)
I don't really have that much to say about Peter Lynn, except that he is a duplicitous character, given that he has never actually come out an said whether he was the man or the clown in his intentionally cryptic blog title. He posts a lot (like, daily or something), and he is clearly very Canadian. And while those are all contemptible qualities, none of it is worth actually taking a shot at him. Sorry, Peter. 0 bullets.
SEAN CRESPO (of Sean Crespo Will Teach You Satire)
A lot of mean things have been said about Sean Crespo (and he has said a lot of mean things back), but here's the thing: they're all true. Everything ever said about Sean Crespo is true, in fact. Actually I could just make up something right now, like, "Sean Crespo once ate a dog's balls" and it would just magically, suddenly be true. It's his gift and his curse. Try it yourself. Go ahead and say something -- anything you want -- about Sean Crespo. See, that's true. It's really quite amazing, and frankly, I'm jealous. Worth 5 bullets.
JAY PINKERTON (of JayPinkerton.com)
It's a little known fact that Jay Pinkerton is bulletproof, so even if I shot him with one thousand bullets, which is what I was planning on doing, it would have no effect whatsoever.
And I think that ends my participation in this (not fake, but also non-existent) CRACKED blog feud. Unless somebody says something mean. In that event, I'll post some screechy name-calling and cry.
--------