Subject: None, As None Is Needed
regicides anonymous wrote:
This epistle will not pander to your elementary understanding of the English language, so I suggest you procure a dictionary, lest my message of unabated loathing fly right over your infantile head.
You, sir, are a fool. Now, I haven't read your blog per se, but, for reasons upon which I will not condescend to expound, I find you intensely objectionable nonetheless. Should you not relieve the information super-thoroughfare of your metastatic e-presence, I will be compelled to use the full force and weight of my preeminent status among internet humorists (Editor-In-Chief of Regicides Anonymous, which boasts roughly 35 "hits" per day) to dispatch you myself.
Good Day.
Bartleby H. McFinn
Editor-In-Chief, Regicides Anonymous
I looked up some of the words in this and quickly discovered that this e-mail is offensive. I mean, I try to make a legitimate plea for help and advice and this is the response I get?
Apparently, this missive full of vitriolic invective (I looked some other words up, too) is from one of the six or so other CRACKED "bloggers" - who apparently include some kind of robotic man, a Lord of questionable nobility, an evil genius with his own blog city, and something called a "Sean Crespo," all of whom I just noticed existed - and apparently one (or more, who knows?) has it out for me.
Well, let me tell you, this particular fellow, who by his own admission murders kings without even telling them his name, has no idea who he's dealing with.
I can tell you right now that this blog will not be shutting down. I was planning on getting rid of it in a couple weeks, but now that you've issued your challenge, I'm going to keep it going just out of spite. Extreme, tooth-clenched, so-angry-I'm-spitting-all-over-myself-when-I-talk spite.
You think you're so hot because you get 35 "hits" per day, Mr. McFinn? Well, I'll have you know that I have the fifth most popular blog amongst all the CRACKED blogs. Do you know what that means? It means that of the blogs on the lower half of the popularity chain, I'm at the top. That's money in the motherfucking bank. And loads of pussy in the motherfucking...bank.
What I'm saying is don't try to step to me, Bartleby.
I did some research on this "Bartleby H. McFinn" and found that the guy is actually a total loser. Don't believe me? Check out this internet encyclopedia entry about the guy. (It appears that McFinn has continually deleted his Wikipedia entry despite my attempts to restore it, so as proof of its existence, I present you with this screencap.) Now who's skeptical?
Nobody.
But I didn't stop there. Oh no. I dug a little deeper into the this Mr. "McFinn," or so he calls himself. I found through some extensive research and some lengthy conversation with my Uncle Charlie that McFinn is not the man in the Wiki entry at all (though he is a loser) but is, in fact, Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi.
I've got your number, Mcfinn.
Sure, you've had your diplomatic status in the world restored and the US lifted sanctions against you years ago, but that doesn't change the fact that your name is Moammar.
HahahAHahAHhahHAHhahAHhah! Moammar!
Also, check this out, McFinn. I came up with some new names for your blog to make it more appropriate for you, based on the things I've assumed you've done in your lifetime:
Infanticides Anonymous
Puppycides Anonymous
Beautifulwomenicides Anonymous
JohnFKennedyicides Anonymous
Goodmoviecomedycides Anonymous
Truereligionicides Anonymous
Coldfusionicides Anonymous
Freedomicides Anonymous
The next move is yours, McFinn (I mean, Moammar).
HahahAHHAHAhahAHhAhaAHHAHa!
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Additional Note: My sources tell me that Robotman eats piss. Actual piss!
Additional Additional note: Apparently Mr. McFinn and this "Sean Crespo" character have already exchanged words. I can only imagine that this will get worse.
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Are you a Middle Eastern dictator who wants to insult MW using crazy-big SAT words because you're so jealous? Send me an e-mail.
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