MW FAQ: Summer Skin Care
Of course, we all know that having fun can only mean one thing: deadly, deadly skin cancer. Here we will finally answer all your questions about how the earth and the sun have conspired to kill you, and why you should spend the remainder of your life fearing them.
Q: Why is it so dangerous to be outside during the summer?
A: Because humans weren't made to be out in the sun. Have you seen what people look like, with that tender, easily burned skin? That shit just won't cut it. Every other creature in the world has coverings of feathers or hair or leathery hides, and we might as well be covered in gunpowder. That's why God made air conditioned villas with open bars. It's where we were meant to be.
Q: Um…okay. But what is so threatening about the sun?
A: It's a common misconception that the sun is a star, a naturally-occurring ball of fusing gases at the center of the solar system meant to provide heat to the planets orbiting it. That couldn't be further from the truth.
The sun was constructed in early 1940s as part of the U.S. war effort. The idea was to provide cheap light for Americans so they could read publicly posted propaganda posters encouraging people to buy war bonds and punch Hitler in the face while simultaneously burning Berlin under a soon-to-be-constructed giant magnifying glass. Unfortunately, the early technology used to develop the sun was terribly unsophisticated and the medical community soon discovered that it emitted pure, unfiltered Murder-Level radiation, exposure to which immediately kills anyone it touches.
Q: I've been in the sun before and I didn't die.
A: That's not a question, Q.
Q: Jesus Christ. Okay then. Why didn't I die when I went out into the sun?
A. In the late 1960s, NASA built a giant vinyl shield around the earth to protect humanity from the sun's radiation. It was referred to as the "O-zone," in reference to the sound people made as they began to say, "Oh, shit!" while they were quickly vaporized because they stepped outside. The construction of the shield was a success, but some harmful carcinogenic UV radiation could still get through, which is the threat to us to this day.
And let's lose the attitude.
Q: So what can I do to protect myself?
A: "Experts" at the New York Times and other fancypants publications will tell you to put on sunscreen with a specific SPF (Stupid Pussy Factor) depending on your skin sensitivity and hue. This is a scam, as all major media are owned by sunscreen companies.
A little thought about it and you'll see how ludicrous an idea using sunscreen is – the stuff disappears as soon as you put it on! This is supposed to protect you from a giant ball of fire? Not to mention the fact that they say that people with darker skin can wear a less powerful sunscreen, which is simply ridiculous. People with darker skin have already been sun-damaged, and need the most protection!
So, what do you actually do? If at all possible, try to stay inside indefinitely. Don't ever go out, even to go to work. If for some unknown reason, you must go outside, it's as simple as this: bundle up.
Only clothes can really genuinely protect you from the horror that is the earth's sun. It's what you use to protect yourself from the cold, right? There's a reason for that. It works.
Q: Won't wearing layers and layers of clothes in the heat cause me to overheat, dehydrate or suffer heatstroke?
A: Does this look like an overheating, dehydrating and heatstroke FAQ to you? I'll just say this: if you want to protect yourself from the real dangers, you'll have to make some sacrifices.
Q: What do I do if I forget to protect myself from the sun and suffer a bad burn?
A: Prepare your last will and testament. Make sure your insurance is paid up. Pray.
Q: I took your advice about bundling up. Now girls in bikinis point and laugh at me. What should I do?
A: Take it as a compliment. Girls in bikinis are an entirely different species from the rest of us and therefore speak an entirely different language. Their pointing and laughing, as best scientists can decipher, can be translated as, "You are an intelligent person who does not face an impending death as I do. Out of respect, I request that you fuck me."
You are so in there, dude.
Q: I'm standing out in the sun in only a pair of shorts and I seem to not be dying at all. What's up with that?
A: You are clearly something beyond human. I will now worship you as my new god. I bow now before you, Q.
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