Father/Son Activities
FISHING
I know that this is the most stereotypical of father/son activities, what with it being the opening credits to the Andy Griffith Show and all, but I gotta tell you, fishing blows. There is nothing good about it. You spend the majority of the time standing around being bitten by mosquitoes and sweating while nothing happens. There's a lot of getting your hopes up for nothing if you feel a nibble on the line, often just to discover that the fish has eaten your bait right off the hook. Your hands get all wormy. And even if you do catch a fish, you only have two choices: throw it back so nothing you did mattered anyway, or cut the damn thing open and rip the guts out with your hand. Okay, that last part is actually kind of cool, but fishing still sucks. Minus 5 bullets.
PLAYING CATCH
Playing catch seems just about right for a father/son activity. Consider the fact that you have to stand at least several yards apart to actually throw and catch the ball, which means that you've got plenty of personal space. There's an activity to concentrate on so you don't have to actually talk about anything, though it's acceptable to sporadically talk about what just happened ("That one got away from you!"). It's easy and non-competitive so nobody really embarrasses themselves. And there's sports credibility. So basically it's what every father and son should do, even taking into consideration that it's also the best activity to do with your dog and that there's the whole "pitcher/catcher" euphamism thing that you can't really get away from. Plus 6 bullets.
WATCHING TV
The trouble with watching TV with either your father or your son is that it's bound to be uncomfortable. Even if you're watching the game or something, you still have to make sure that you're both rooting for the same team and that you're both similarly familiar with the game or it's just going to end up being awkward. Take that a step further to regular prime time TV, you'll soon discover that you hate the shows your dad likes and vice versa. My dad, for instance, loves "Deal or No Deal." I'd rather destroy my home than watch that show. Actually, there's only one show that both my dad and I can watch and it be okay: "Sanford and Son." So it's okay if it's "Sanford and Son." But that's it. Minus 2 bullets.
ONE-ON-ONE BASKETBALL
Remember what I said about how nobody gets embarrassed when you play catch because it's easy and non-competitive? This is the opposite of that. One-on-one father/son basketball is designed to end up with somebody getting embarrassed. Imagine you're a teenager and your dad just beat you at basketball. Your old, decrepit father who grunts when he sits down and uses a heating pad on his back. Yeah. Or imagine that your son -- a pimply little brat who's never had to work a day in his life and has womanly-soft hands -- just schooled you on the court. There is no winner. If this wasn't a father/son thing, somebody would end up crying. Minus 7 bullets.
YARD WORK
This isn't maybe so great for sons, but for fathers, this is the tops. I mean, one of the reasons you have a kid is that somebody else can mow the lawn eventually, right? I mean, play your cards well enough and you can have that little shit out there cutting down trees and pruning bushes and pulling weeds out of the rose garden. The only reason you even participate in this little "father/son" activity is so that eventually it can just be a "son" activity. That's pretty beautiful, and is pretty much the only reason I plan to ever have children. Plus 4 bullets.
TALKING
Is there any sort of father/son talk that isn't horrible? Obviously there's the talk, which can't be anything but bad, but just about every other type of conversation is pretty horrific as well. Even talking about what you're going to eat with your dad can be the most uncomfortable thing ever.
DAD: Son, what do you want to eat?
SON: Um...I don't really care. Whatever you want.
DAD: I don't care either. You say what we should eat.
SON: I mean, a burger or something is fine.
DAD: I don't really want that. I think I want some stew. You know, manly stew.
SON: ...Stew?
Stew. Minus 4 bullets.
That settles it. Fathers and sons should never do anything together.
--------