Broken Playstation 2: Super Fun!
STEP ONE: Purchase a Sony Playstation 2 Video Game Entertaining Entertainment System, preferably in a time frame circa November 2000 (just after launch) for the original retail price of $299.99 (plus tax).
STEP TWO: After around 91 days of ownership -- exactly one day after the factory warranty expires -- notice that something is a little off about the system. The picture scrambles when the screen goes black during DVD playback, for instance. Wonder about the problem, but don't really do anything about it.
STEP THREE: After about a year of ownership, attempt to play the most popular game on the market, Grand Theft Auto III. When the system has problems loading the game, get really worried. Once the problem goes away inexplicably, assume it was something with the game and dismiss the idea that the system is a total piece of shit.
STEP FOUR: Notice that your PS2 Super Duper Fun System has stopped playing DVD movies altogether. Buy an entirely different DVD player, finally somewhat giving in to the fact that your Playstation 2 Metal Box of Kickass isn't all that well-made.
STEP FIVE: As life continues and games continually get crappier, play your Playstation 2 System to End All Systems less and less. Let it drop out of the back of your car onto the highway, maybe. But make sure it's protected by being in the original box. Be amazed when it still works.
STEP SIX: Finally break down and buy the most popular game of the time, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, almost a year after it comes out. While playing, notice that the game is taking forever to load. Take the game back to the store, thinking there's a problem with the disc. When you bring the new disc home, notice that the same problem is occurring. Furrow your brow a lot.
STEP SEVEN: When the load times just become too much to handle and the game starts freezing up during gameplay, decide that it's time to finally open up the damn thing. Rip open the sticker holding the thing together (but...the warranty!!!). Find some online guides that tell you different ways to fix the problem by cleaning the lens and fiddling with gears and whatnot. Once you follow the guides very carefully and put the system back together, fool yourself into thinking it did any good whatsoever.
STEP EIGHT: Find that the problem persists, and is indeed getting worse. Open the system up several times, eventually getting to the point where you're taking the tiniest of pieces apart to try to find a stray hair or something that's clogging the thing up. Clean the laser lens a hundred times, even on the bottom. Mess with the power supply a lot. Take the thing apart so thorougly that it's an immense hassle to get the thing back together. Once it is back together, find that the games will now not even get past the load screen.
STEP NINE: Frantically attempt to find a fix for the damn thing, but to no avail. After several days of trying everything you can possibly think of, finally give up when you Playstation 2 Big Heavy Paperweight finally won't even turn on. Decide to sell off all your games and accessories and buy a new computer instead. Bury your Playstation 2 Deceased Super Machine in ignominy.
Fuck you, Sony.
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