Stereotypical Slasher Movie Characters
THE HEROINE (HERO)
This character almost always has these traits: 1) she is a female 2) she has dark hair 3) she is tall 4) she is virginal. The heroine is never a part of the scene with the requisite horror movie nudity, and she uses her wits to defeat the monster/killer in the end, though, of course, he never really dies. She is the person that will undoubtedly last through the whole movie, because she is probably the first character introduced and the only one with unabashedly perfect moral values and an immense force of will. There is, however, one other possibilty: that she herself is the killer. This is always presented as some wholly unexpected twist, but really, would the slutty girl or the jock really have the know-how to be able to kill all those kids on their wild sex weekend? I contend that they would not. That shit takes planning. Like, ahead of time. Anyway, the heroine is always at least likeable, even if she is a prude. Plus 2 bullets.
THE WISEGUY
Also known as "the smart guy" and "the totally platonic best friend," the wiseguy, upon deliberation, is the character I would be if I were to be a part of a horror movie group of friends. Which brings me to a point: horror movie groups of friends are ridiculous. When have you ever seen a smart, strong girl, a nerdy sarcastic guy, a jock, a cheerleader and a black guy hanging out, just to hang out? I mean, every time I've discussed this topic with friends, about what character we'd be in a horror movie, we discover that we'd all be the wiseguy. Anyway, the wiseguy is usually either the most likeable or most excruciatingly annoying character in the movie, because he's almost always the the comic relief (or lack thereof). He's either the first or last to die, too; either he figures out what's going on, tries to escape and is killed, or he lasts until the end, devises the plan to eliminate the threat, and dies as a sacrifice so that the heroine can carry out the plan. He's sort of a puss, but you do feel kind of bad when he dies. Plus 1 bullet.
THE JOCK
This guy is simply there to be killed. He contributes nothing in the way of comic relief or suspense. He's likely just a pretty face there for the sake of getting female bottoms in seats, but for the most part he's just a life that can be taken. Often he is the boyfriend of the cheerleader (see next), and as a result he is almost always involved in the necessary horror movie gratuitious sex scene. In fact, he may be killed as a result of said scene ('cause the killers love it when the kids get it on), running through the woods with his pants around his ankles before getting knifed in the back. Not a bad way to go, I have to say, but since I know that I'll never die this way, and most likely I'll leave this world choking on a Pringle, I have to hate this guy. Minus 7 bullets.
THE CHEERLEADER
Once again, she's a body that's more or less there just to be killed. But her body has titties, which gives her a little bit of an advantage over the jock in terms of my appreciation of the character. Let's face it, it takes more than nice eyes and a big white set of choppers to get the guys to pack into the local cinemas, so this character is pretty much always required to take her top off at some point in the movie, sometimes on multiple occasions. She generally bites it during the required sex scene, looking up for a split second from the passionate, badly acted lovemaking to get a faceful of chainsaw. The cheerleader is always blonde, always says the most obvious thing, and has a voice so deafeningly screechy that it could cut through a water buffalo. But then again, she does take her top off. Plus 4 bullets.
THE BLACK GUY
I hate to refer to this character simply as "the black guy," but there's really no other way to do it. He has one characteristic that differentiates him from the rest of the cast, which is that he is black. The generally accepted stereotype for most slasher movies is that the black guy is always the first to die. But that's not true. The black guy is always the second to die. The first one to go is either always the wiseguy (see above) or someone who deserves it (the mad scientist who created the killer, a jerky principal, security guard at facility that keeps mad killers frozen for some reason, etc.). The black guy is the guy who always wants to turn back, who thinks that what the rest of the gang is doing is crazy, going out here exactly one year after those other kids were killed in these woods. In other words, he's the sane guy. It's always a shame to see the black guy get cut down, because he's almost always right and you know that the group's going to just go charging right in without him. So let this be a lesson to you all: If you have one with you when you take your trip to the haunted campground, protect your black guy. Plus 3 bullets.
THE KILLER
There are two types of killers in slasher films: The supernatural killer who keeps coming back and who really doesn't have a pertinent connection to any of the other characters, and the friend that everyone is shocked to find out was behind it all along. They are both dumb. I would be much happier if somehow the killer turned out to be just a whacked-out ice cream man or maybe James Woods preparing for a role in another film. Oh! What if it turned out to be one of the kid's parents, who is actually doing this to teach their son/daughter the importance of appreciating friendship while you have it? You know, to add a life lesson in there with the scenes of someone violently ramming a power drill through a girl's skull. Shit, I think I've got a screenplay to write. Minus 4 bullets.
I already have a title for my screenplay: "The More You Know...The More You Die." Actually, maybe I'll keep working on it.
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