Renowned Child Psychologist Dr. Helmut Weller Introduces His New Disciplinary Technique in a Late-Night Infomercial
Hello, America!
Over the past few decades, it seems like every psychologist or behavoir specialist in the country has come out with a supposedly "new" and "innovative" technique guaranteed to make your children behave. And just because those people have college degrees and have actually spent time with children, they think they know everything about them. Well, I want you to know that I, Dr. Helmut B. Weller, Ph.E. (that's one more than Ph.D.!), have got a plan to help your kids be less... What's the word? Crap-assed? Let's say crap-assed.
And I want you, the American consumer, to know that my program is different.
Why? Because it works!
In past years, many psychiatrists have supported the idea of treating children as little adults, creating such preposterously ineffective strategies as "time out" and "talking to each other." My technique, however, rests on the three key principles of the childhood mind, which I discovered through thoroughly performed laborotoric science-tests:
PRINCIPLE 1: Kids Are Dumb
And how. On average, 98 percent of four-year-olds failed a basic quiz in trigonometry. Nearly three-fourths had no idea what the Underground Railroad was. Almost half couldn't find Latvia on a map. Of the Baltic states! I mean, seriously!
PRINCIPLE 2: Kids Are Gullible
They'll believe anything. Like, this one time, I told this little kid that Rocky III was better than Rocky IV. And he believed me!
PRINCIPLE 3: Kids Scare Easy
Even the most harmless items, like a butcher knife, a pitchfork or a meager chainsaw will make your average child quake in his boots. Chasing your child around with your car is almost like having obedience medicine, if such a thing existed. And if such a thing does exist, I'd suggest using that also.
TESTIMONIAL
" Dr. Weller's program helped me to whip my terrible kids into shape. Now, they go to bed on time, help around the house, and I barely even got any jail time! Thanks, Dr. Weller!"
-Rose Heartpunch, Peoria, IL
You may be asking, "Doc, how does your system work?" And my answer to that would be, "Easily...is how." All you need to do is remember three easy steps toward ultimate obedience!
1. CONSTANTLY DISCUSS THEIR SHORTCOMINGS
Children are very competitive. Give them some initiative to achieve! Take some time to make up stories about other kids who achieved really cool stuff. "Do you remember Timmy Butterworth?" you'll ask. "Who the hell is Timmy Butterworth?" your kid will ask. "He's the kid who cured cancer!" you'll say. "Terminal cancer! Why can't you cure terminal cancer?" As soon as your child stops answering with a smart-ass answer like, "Because Timmy Butterworth already cured it," you'll know you've made some progress.
2. THREATEN THEIR IDOLS AND HEROES
When your son or daughter breaks a rule, tell them that you're going Pokemon hunting in the backyard. If they backtalk, remind them that you have the Power Rangers tied up in the basement and won't release them until they apologize. Hire some derelicts to dress up as Dragon Ball Z characters and make your kid watch as they knife each other for a turkey croissant. That'll teach him not to make anymore B-minuses in gym class!
3. TELL THEM THEY'RE BEING REPLACED WITH A UGANDAN KID
This never fails. Ever. If it does, go adopt a Ugandan kid. Just giving them a bowl of rice every couple days seems to keep them pretty calm.
Happy parenting!
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