Mention the term "platformer" to most people and odds are they probably will have no idea what you're talking about. Well, if you're one of those people, let's just say that these games are basically Mario games -- you jump on bad guys and between, yes, platforms. It's the prototypical "video game." Now, it's pretty tough to give these types of games a rating, since at one point in time they were the be all and end all of video games, but now in the 3D era, they have all but faded into obscurity. There are still a few good ones, but for the most part, they're gone. Even so, I'm gonna give these games credit for the old glory days of Mario and Sonic. Come on, where else could we possibly see a mustachioed plumber grow to about six times his normal size by touching a mushroom and it not be a drug reference? Nowhere, that's where. Plus 6 bullets.

I have one major serious problems with RPGs: you don't start out awesome. Now, I've played my share of these games in the past, but nowadays I just don't have the patience for them anymore. The whole idea of having to level up, at least to the degree that one does in a role playing game, is anathema to me. I'd just much prefer characters who start out awesome. There's another pretty big problem I have with these games: whiny main chararacters. In my experience, the only main characters I've ever liked in these games have been mute. In every other instance, the protagonists have always been these little brats whose fathers didn't love them or who are ineffectually longing for some girl and are generally overshadowed by the older, more seasoned characters who don't say much and, since you meet them later on in the game, start out awesome. I can't emphasize this enough. Minus 4 bullets.

Before they went all 3D and kind of got crappy, fighting games were near-infalliable, especially if they had Ken Masters in them. Perhaps the best thing about fighting games is that, when they go beyond the realm of genuine reality, they generally make it much, much better. Who wouldn't want to be able to shoot fireballs out of their hands? I can think of upwards of hundreds of real-life situations in which such an ability would be an incredible timesaver or at least a great conversation starter. Coffee's a little cold? BAM! Apartment feeling chilly? POW! Dude getting on your nerves at a stoplight? BLAMMO! Green Brazillian monster with electrical powers getting all in your face? FIREBALLED! Also, women in fighting games are always scantilly clad, a plus if I've ever heard one. Oh, and before anyone asks, I'm just ignoring Mortal Kombat for this, which I suggest you do as well. Plus 7 bullets.

This might be a controversial assertion, but, unless they have the words "Mario" or "Virtua" in the title, I pretty much hate sports games. For one thing, they simulate things you can already see on TV. No other games are like that -- there's no such thing as a Dateline NBC simulator or "Law & Order's Arrest and Litigate Showdown" (though I wish there was). Even the games based on TV shows usually involve some adventure beyond the usual plot of the show. But a basketball game is just...basketball. I'd like a little creativity, something with monsters or aliens or something. On top of that, they come out with new editions of these things every year. That would be cool and all if there were something new to come up with, but for Christ's sake, it's still the same football. So, okay, they update the rosters and get slightly better graphics and design some...I dunno...enhanced butt patting. Actually, you know what? That sounds pretty awesome. Consider my fifty bucks spent! Minus 5 bullets.

Games need endings. Period. I need something to work toward, dammit. The thing about sim games is that they just keep on going and going forever. Yeah, you get your city up to 10,000 people, but then what? You have to build another quarry. And then you get attacked by Godzilla and you have to deal with that, and then you're invaded by the Vandals, and then your people get bored and you have to build a stadium or some crap for them. It's just like real life -- one task after another with no closure until you get so fed up that you quit or you die. Yeah, that sounds like a fun game. How about I develop a game that simulates all the turmoil and pain of terminal cancer? Or better yet, a game that simulates sitting at a computer and endlessly playing sim games? As you can see, I'm pretty bitter about this. Minus 9 bullets.

All you really need to know about these games to know that they're cool is the name of the genre. Is there anything much cooler than the term "beat-'em-up?" Not only that, the games are pretty much what the title implies. You beat guys up. And that's just flat-out fun. And consider this: the beat-'em-up genre has included games about The Simpsons, the X-Men and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There's only one word to describe that: outstanding. Plus 2 bullets.

Yes, I fully realize that I left out survival horror and rhythm games, but beat-'em-up games have convinced me that I'm a tough guy, so you're just going to have to deal with it, bro.