A Helpful Brochure from Your Doctor's Office: So, You've Been Cursed
Curse.
It may sound like a bad word right now, but you may be surprised to find out that thousands of Americans live with curses each year, many of whom don't even know they have one. You can get a curse from lots of different sources these days, from that monkey's paw you found in the garbage and you asked for some liquor money to your overly suspicious gypsy neighbors. Or maybe it's that voodoo guy who tries to sell you chicken spices and who you secretly laugh at behind his back? The goofy teen who keeps stealing locks of your hair for his numerous and questionably valid scientific observations?
Whatever the case, we want you to know that your curse is treatable, and that many Cursed Americans go on to live full, long lives for decades after diagnosis. The fact that you're holding this brochure in your hand means that you have the greatest tool on your side for survival in the coming months and years: Early Detection. Another weapon you can use against your curse is that of a clear head that knows the difference between curse myth and curse reality.
Here are a few prevalent myths about curses that we think you should know about.
MYTH 1: You can pass on a curse through sexual intercourse, saliva, touching, drinking after someone or even from a toilet seat.
This is just categorically untrue. Even if Cursed Americans were ever given the opportunity to engage in sexual intercourse or kissing at any future point in their lives (which they aren't, since most curses have at least some caveat about never again feeling love or physical satisfaction), the curse could not be passed on to anyone else. Curses are directed solely at one cursee by a certified and trained cursor or dabbler in the dark arts. Physical contact in no way leads to the spread of curses. This is especially true since, contrary to popular belief, herpes is not considered a curse, so much as just bad mojo. Leprosy could go either way, really.
MYTH 2: A curse and bad luck are the same thing.
If there is one thing the cursed must keep in mind, it is that bad luck and curses are two entirely different concepts. True, bad luck may lead to a curse, but a curse itself is neither the result nor the cause of bad luck in many cases. Walking under a ladder, breaking a mirror or having a black cat cross one's path is no sign of a curse, though having the ladder fall on you, the shards of glass jammed into your eye sockets and the cat stuffed into your sinal cavities may be more indicative of serious cursed status. Constant bad luck -- job loss, relationship problems, ill health, constant minor hassles -- may be a sign of a curse in rare cases, but is more likely simply an indication that God is angry at you about something, or never much liked you to begin with.
MYTH 3: The curse affects my whole family.
This is a half-truth. While indeed curses are sometimes cast on you, your children, and your children's children, most cursors are content simply to make you personally suffer and will often let your progeny get by with a provision that they have to deal with some really bad acne.
MYTH 4: Curses are life-long.
Again, a half-truth. Some curses have set time limits. For instance, "I hope you itch until you scratch through your skin," has a fairly well-set boundary. Likewise, something like, "A lifetime pox and famine upon you and your house" leaves the door pretty wide open. Does that mean your lifetime? The cursor's? The lifetime of your house? There's certainly some wiggle room.
MYTH 5: Curses are worse at night.
That depends. If the curse was specifically aimed at, say, ensuring that your dreams will all involve unspeakable tortures against you to right up to the point of agonizing death, then that's probably true. If the curse is something about you always spilling hot coffee in your lap just as you're raising the cup to your lips, maybe not so much.
MYTH 6: I don't deserve this.
Well, let's be honest here. You could have been nicer. I mean, those chicken spices were like a buck. You could have humored the guy.
And with that, we bid you good luck and good will in your cursed life. Now, if you please, get the hell out of our office as we hold our forefingers up toward you in a cross shape, you hoary demon.
It may sound like a bad word right now, but you may be surprised to find out that thousands of Americans live with curses each year, many of whom don't even know they have one. You can get a curse from lots of different sources these days, from that monkey's paw you found in the garbage and you asked for some liquor money to your overly suspicious gypsy neighbors. Or maybe it's that voodoo guy who tries to sell you chicken spices and who you secretly laugh at behind his back? The goofy teen who keeps stealing locks of your hair for his numerous and questionably valid scientific observations?
Whatever the case, we want you to know that your curse is treatable, and that many Cursed Americans go on to live full, long lives for decades after diagnosis. The fact that you're holding this brochure in your hand means that you have the greatest tool on your side for survival in the coming months and years: Early Detection. Another weapon you can use against your curse is that of a clear head that knows the difference between curse myth and curse reality.
Here are a few prevalent myths about curses that we think you should know about.
MYTH 1: You can pass on a curse through sexual intercourse, saliva, touching, drinking after someone or even from a toilet seat.
This is just categorically untrue. Even if Cursed Americans were ever given the opportunity to engage in sexual intercourse or kissing at any future point in their lives (which they aren't, since most curses have at least some caveat about never again feeling love or physical satisfaction), the curse could not be passed on to anyone else. Curses are directed solely at one cursee by a certified and trained cursor or dabbler in the dark arts. Physical contact in no way leads to the spread of curses. This is especially true since, contrary to popular belief, herpes is not considered a curse, so much as just bad mojo. Leprosy could go either way, really.
MYTH 2: A curse and bad luck are the same thing.
If there is one thing the cursed must keep in mind, it is that bad luck and curses are two entirely different concepts. True, bad luck may lead to a curse, but a curse itself is neither the result nor the cause of bad luck in many cases. Walking under a ladder, breaking a mirror or having a black cat cross one's path is no sign of a curse, though having the ladder fall on you, the shards of glass jammed into your eye sockets and the cat stuffed into your sinal cavities may be more indicative of serious cursed status. Constant bad luck -- job loss, relationship problems, ill health, constant minor hassles -- may be a sign of a curse in rare cases, but is more likely simply an indication that God is angry at you about something, or never much liked you to begin with.
MYTH 3: The curse affects my whole family.
This is a half-truth. While indeed curses are sometimes cast on you, your children, and your children's children, most cursors are content simply to make you personally suffer and will often let your progeny get by with a provision that they have to deal with some really bad acne.
MYTH 4: Curses are life-long.
Again, a half-truth. Some curses have set time limits. For instance, "I hope you itch until you scratch through your skin," has a fairly well-set boundary. Likewise, something like, "A lifetime pox and famine upon you and your house" leaves the door pretty wide open. Does that mean your lifetime? The cursor's? The lifetime of your house? There's certainly some wiggle room.
MYTH 5: Curses are worse at night.
That depends. If the curse was specifically aimed at, say, ensuring that your dreams will all involve unspeakable tortures against you to right up to the point of agonizing death, then that's probably true. If the curse is something about you always spilling hot coffee in your lap just as you're raising the cup to your lips, maybe not so much.
MYTH 6: I don't deserve this.
Well, let's be honest here. You could have been nicer. I mean, those chicken spices were like a buck. You could have humored the guy.
And with that, we bid you good luck and good will in your cursed life. Now, if you please, get the hell out of our office as we hold our forefingers up toward you in a cross shape, you hoary demon.
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