Non-Letter Keyboard Keys, Part 1
SHIFT
Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for Shift. I mean, we all need capital letters every now and again. Hell, I use Shift more than some of the letter keys. And I understand that you need two because whatever hand you're using for the letter can't be used for the Shift key. But, come on, Shift, aren't you just being a little cocky about this? I mean, seriously, not only are there two of you on the keyboard, but you're something like three times the size of every other key except spacebar. Nearly 15 percent of my keyboard is Shift! God, I mean, it just annoys me sometimes, you know? You think you're such a big deal, you're just out there, crowding all the other keys so they can barely even fit in their tiny little spots. I mean, holy Christ, Shift, just get over youself! Jeez! Minus 6 bullets.
TAB
Oh, Tab, you loveable scamp. I remember back when we were little, and you and I ran mischeviously into the yard of that old widow, Mrs. Buttercorn, to try and throw a frisbee onto her roof, and she came out and was all like, "You boys better quit that, so you can come in here and eat these chocolate chip cookies I made!" And we rushed in and plopped down on her couch, which was covered in plastic and lacy stuff, and we were all like, "Oh boy! Cookies! You sure are nice, Mrs. Buttercorn!" And then she asked us both what we wanted to do when we grow up, and I told her I wanted to be a game show host or a Ghostbuster, and you said you would like to indent text or move the cursor from one field to another. Old Mrs. Buttercorn just laughed at us. She died that next winter. Plus 5 bullets.
BACKSPACE
Backspace is like the anti-Shift. It kind of keeps to itself up there in the upper right-hand corner, not being flashy or really making a show out of itself, but you know you'd never get anything done without it. It's maybe the size of two letter keys, just so you know it's there, but it knows its place, too. Really, it's a very humble key. You know, a few years back, when it was awarded "Best Typo Fixer" at the annual Golden Finger Awards, it almost didn't show because it was so embarrassed, even though it said it was because it had all kinds of work to do. PgDn just had to talk Backspace into it, and finally he caved and went to receive his award. True story. Plus 8 bullets.
CTRL
Ctrl might just be the most ill-named key on the whole keyboard. Obviously, the abbreviation stands for "Control" (although for years I was convinced it was "Cartrail"), but I really have no idea what the button controls, to be honest. I mean, yeah, you can bring up the task manager in Windows with it, which I guess means you're exerting some level of control over your computer, but you have to push Alt and Delete along with it, so if there is any control there, it's not at all total. It's only a third of it. And that's pretty weak. But, really, the button is there so you can use it for keyboard shortcuts (which aren't even that useful anymore now that the mouse does just about everything). So shouldn't it be called the Shortcut key? I'm just saying. Minus 3 bullets.
INSERT
Time for a quick informal poll. Who out there actually uses the Insert key? Nobody? That's what I thought. Now, who has accidentally hit the Insert key while they were in the middle of writing something, and only after the fact realized that they had done it and written over everything they had just done because the Insert key's function is so stupid? Everybody? Wow, what an effective informal poll. It was so informal that I could just assume what your answers would be. Stupid Insert key. Minus 7 bullets.
ESC
We all need a little escape sometimes, don't we? ...Yes, I realize that was unforgivably lame. I'm terribly sorry about that. It's just, you know, I'm under so much pressure from my opnion-writing boss (me) to write these lengthy screeds about keyboard keys, and it's starting to wear on me, honestly. The only other joke I could come up with for this was about how Esc was the only survivor of a long line of keyboard keys that did amazing things, like ESL and ESP. And would that really have been any better? In fact, has any of this piece really been good at all? ...Actually, you know, I'm finding it a little difficult to breathe. Is it hot in here to anyone else? These walls are closer than they were before, I think. I'm -- I think I need to get out of here. Escape! Help me, Escape key! Escaaaaaaape! Plus 4 bullets.
so that's the first part of keyboard keys...uh-oh. looks like the shift keys are pretty pissed off. well, this is going to be awkward.
so that's the first part of keyboard keys...uh-oh. looks like the shift keys are pretty pissed off. well, this is going to be awkward.
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