I think if I ever actually adjust any of the settings on my picturetron, it's almost always brightness. For one reason or another, game developers, especially the developers of games in the survival horror genre, like to make thier products very dark. And, you know, that's all well and good, making the game scary and all, but the main problem is I can't freaking see anything. And you know what else, Konami? I'm not gonna open that damn door if I can't see it. I've already got a giant Pyramid-headed guy chasing after me with a giant knife. You'd think you could at least give me some flourescent lights or something to help me out, but no, I just have to adjust the brightness myself. Thanks a lot. Plus 5 bullets.

Okay, I guess that they have to put this one on there so folks who are averse to seeing people and/or objects in color or any sort of accurate representation of the real world and as such can make the television they purchased a black and white one, but seriously, why does anyone have to alter the color of their television? I think all of us can reasonably discern whether or not the color "looks right" at any given time, and with the advent of cable and satellite, there aren't the broadcast problems that there used to be. So, why doesn't Magnavox just go ahead and program the TV to play in color, so that I don't turn on my set and see that my eight-year-old cousin has made everything unbearably, brightly colorful? Yeah, I know that I could pretty much say the same thing about all the other settings, but "color" has just really been getting on my bad side lately. Minus 8 bullets.

Here's the trouble with "tint": it's very, very misleading. Okay, the actual thing that happens when you change the "tint" function on the TV actually makes the picture either more red or more green. Now, that's okay, we all need a little more redness or greenness sometimes, you know, to make blood bloodier and money more...monier? Monier, I guess. But the use of the word "tint" just throws me off. I pressed the "tint" button originally hoping to darken the windows of my 1993 Jeep Cherokee Country and you know...make it all tricked out. Maybe even add some decals with Japanese lettering on them. And that just didn't happen. Minus 3 bullets.

Without a doubt, I always, and I mean always, turn the "contrast" all the way up. Why, you ask? Well, if my guess is right, and I think it is, a TV's "contrast" feature is what differentiates it from other household items. When the contrast is all the way up, you know for an absolute fact that your TV is not a radio, DVD player or Mr. Coffee, and that it's certainly not a dishwasher or a toilet. (I've heard a horror story or two about people who only put their contrast half of the way up and...well...how do I put this discreetly? ...Crapped in their TV. And that's just gross.) Turn the contrast up, people! For the love of God, we need contrast! Plus 6 bullets.

I'll tell you the problem with the "sharpness" setting: it allows for two separate word-related jokes, neither of which are that funny. I mean, first, I could say something about how I turn the "sharpness" up as much as I can so I can try to stab people with my TV. Ugh. Second, I could talk about how changing the "sharpness" feature on the TV could cause all the people on ER to either wear dirty rags (on the lowest setting) or tuxedos (on the highest). See? Get it? The higher the setting, the sharper their clothes! Have you ever heard a joke so vomit-rific? Minus 4 bullets.

They only offer this function on a few TVs; you know, the really high-dollar jobs with the high definition plasma screens and all that. Lately, Best Buy and Circuit City have been all about advertising their TVs with the "nudity" feature like it's some kind of big deal, but I'm gonna let the cat out of the bag, here. Okay, there we go. And now that that's done, I'm gonna tell you about the "nudity" function. While you might think that such a feature would cause the shows you watch to have more or less nudity (as if "Rome" could actually contain anymore -- am I right, folks?), it actually just makes the TV itself more or less nude. And, yeah, seeing a cathode ray tube is great and all, but it's obviously something of a disappointment. So, in other words, just get Cinemax. Or that hidden sex game in San Andreas. Or don't. Yeah, don't. Minus 2 bullets.

And so, these TV settings end up with negative 6 bullets. I think in part because televisions are beautiful just the way they are. Don't change, ladies! Also, there's that troublemaker "color." He'll get his.