Dear {CUSTOMER},

I fully and unequivocally apologize for the events of {DATE}, upon which your special event was somehow lessened by my actions. Allow me to say in my own defense that I had no ill intent concerning your {CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY / WEDDING / BAR MITZVAH / CHRISTENING / INAGURATION} or personally toward you or anyone in your family. I realize that it will in no way excuse my behavior to explain myself, but if you would grant me the opportunity, I would like to do so, if only for the sake of your understanding.

First, I can tell you without hesitation that I had no idea that those spiders were poisonous. I made every effort to check them all prior to my bringing them, and as far as I could see, none of them seemed to have what we in the business call "venomous tendencies." I saw no little red hourglass shapes on the insects -- a technique I learned to follow during my intensive wildlife-handling training of literally almost a full hour of Discovery Channel videos, sans commercials, mind you -- and believe me, I looked at nearly all of them. What makes this whole thing even more surprising is that some of the friendly creatures even hugged my finger with their tiny legs before I jammed them deep into the jar I used for transport, in a display of adorability I had up to that point only seen in animals who are animated or are, perhaps, puppets.

In spite of my caution, I do admit that it was an unwise choice to place the entire jarful in the hair of your {SON / DAUGHTER / WHEELCHAIR-BOUND AUNT}. I commend {HIM / HER} on the speed with which the spiders were dispatched, as {HE / SHE} looked to be a little slow on the uptake. However, the speed of the human reflexes and the jerky movements that follow often spook such timid creatures as spiders, and would surely account for the, at minimum, dozens of bites suffered by your loved one. Regardless, considering the circumstances, I will absorb the cost of the burial of my spiders and will only charge you their market value, at most only around $1650 each for the rarest breeds. You will find an invoice enclosed, and I believe this is fair for everyone involved.

Concerning the confusion surrounding my choice of music: I was not told in appropriate time and was thus unaware that playing the Angel Corpse song "Sodomy Curse" on repeat during my performance would be so controversial. At your next event, might I suggest that you provide a list of approved songs at least four months ahead of time and that you be willing to negotiate if all you want to play is what I respectfully referred to at one point to as "bland pussy-rock." There certainly is room for a middle ground, I believe.

Along those lines, I fully admit to being in the wrong when, while singing along to my stage music, I referred to your {WIFE / MOTHER / FORMER CATHOLIC SCHOOL TEACHER} as a "putrid Satan love slave with a womb full of pestilence." I meant it entirely as a compliment, but upon further thought, I can understand how the statement could be misconstrued.

I also owe you my apologies when it comes to the balloon animals I made for a short time, upon request. My only excuse to you is that my hearing is less-than-perfect and has indeed deteriorated quite a bit over the years, which is why I tend to hear the word "doggie" as the word "phallus," the word "sword" as the phrase "male genitals," and the word "giraffe" as the phrase "laughably bulbous male genitals."

I really have nothing to say about the incident in which I was seen to strap one child's balloon animal on much like a codpiece and chase {YOUR FATHER / YOUR UNCLE / YOU} around the {YARD / BUILDING}, shouting "Let's see who's is bigger, cowboy!" at the top of my lungs, other than I was asked to do it. I would also like to point out that the children thoroughly seemed to enjoy it.

I have one final note and update concerning the illusion I performed soon before I left your celebration. I have received word from local authorities that your {BEST FRIEND / COUSIN / BOSS} can indeed be removed from the Magic Cast-Iron Box without injury, and will be out in the next few days. The lack of air inside the box, they were quick to point out, is no fault of mine, but is really the doing of nature, whom you cannot fight no matter how hard you try. They also mentioned that it may be a bad idea to press charges against me, as my own mental anguish from this freak and unheard-of accident is punishment enough.

I thank you for your business and ask that you call on me again for your next celebration!

Best Regards,

Wilkins P. Qualitee
Founder and Entertainer
Qualitee Party Amusements, Inc., LLC.

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