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SECTION 1: Just how the hell you got into this.

So, it's come to this, has it?

You've tried just about everything you can think of to get back your father's land or save your girlfriend's life or sell your '95 Mazda or whatever the fuck it is you're trying to do, and nothing's worked. You've bargained, schemed, offered casual sex, threatened the other guy's pets, written letters to your senator, made a cute, but highly complex origami duck with a note written inside that says, "Please please please give me another chance!" but he just won't hear any of it. He's got you by the balls, dude.

There's no getting around it: you're gonna have to shoot an apple off some guy's head from 100 yards.

And you better damn well know how to do it right. Whether your subject is your son, your father, a cousin, or just some stranger, there are a few basics you're going to need to know to hit that apple and to actually get it off the fellow's noggin.

But before you do, it's a good idea to ask yourself if whether this is all really worth the trouble. Shooting an apple off of a man's head from a hundred yards is no easy task. Frankly, even with the help of this guide, your chances of doing it are abysmal, at best. Wouldn't you rather go home and watch some "Seinfeld" reruns?

What? You don't like "Seinfeld?" Well, um…it looks like "King of the Hill" is on too.

Oh, you have to be kidding me! You're seriously going through with this? Fine then.

Asshole.

SECTION 2: Selecting your weapon.

More than anything else, the weapon with which you choose to shoot the apple will determine your success or failure. Most people out there immediately assume that one's weapon of choice for apple-shooting will be a bow and arrow, maybe a crossbow or something. But let me tell you, just between you and me, those people are fucking morons.

You need some firepower, dammit.

Allow me to recommend the Xerrol Fruitblaster sniper rifle with infrared nightvision scope. A gun designed specifically for the shooting of apples, the Fruitblaster can trace the DNA signature of the Granny Smith, gala, pink lady and Jonagold varieties of apple, as well as both red and golden delicious.

If, for some reason, a cameo, Fuji or Braeburn (decidedly not a shooting apple) is selected, you're not really going to want to be involved in this whole hopeless exercise anyway, and might as well turn the Fruitblaster on yourself. (It can be used on non-apples in extreme circumstances.)

You may think that a sniper rifle is a little too much firepower for simple apple-shooting, but, trust me, the poor fellow whose head is supporting the doomed fruit will thank you for its use. Not only will your accuracy be greatly improved, but, in the case that you do miss, he'll get a quick hollowpoint through his brain stem rather than a slow, jagged arrowhead in his retina.

Would you want an arrowhead in your retina? Yeah, I didn't think so.

SECTION 3: Practice, practice, practice.

What, did you think you were going to just effortlessly shoot off the apple without even trying to do some run-throughs beforehand? That's just being ignorant. There's too much at stake here! The family farm! The love of your life! The loss of a bet concerning your ability to stuff all 16 billiards balls in your mouth! You've got to get this right, man!

Honestly, the practice is really more for the sake of the apple holder than you, anyway. Yeah, you need to work on your aim an all that, but consider that this cat's probably going to piss his pants for like, the first four or five times you shoot at him. And, come on, nobody wants to see that. I mean, do you really want the heartless guy who's forcing you to do this horrible act to see your partner in crime pissing his pants right in front of him? That'll just be embarrassing. Not to mention a great distraction for when you're trying to knock the apple off the head of a guy with pissy trousers, who's probably flinched and lost the apple anyway.

On a similar note, it is recommended that your shootee not drink 10-12 cans of Sprite before the official shooting session. Trust me. I know this from experience.

SECTION 4: What not to do.

It's of no use whatsoever to listen to The William Tell Overture while you shoot for the apple. In fact, it really makes things much worse.

SECTION 5: Concocting a fallback plan.

Okay, so you've gotten yourself into this mess, selected your weapon, practiced, and hopefully left your portable music player at home. With all these conditions fulfilled, you should have shifted the odds in your favor.

But what if you still miss? What if someone's going to kill you if you fail?

Well, you have a few options.

One, you could run like hell. That's a pretty good one. Or you could maybe turn your weapon on whoever brought you all this misery and exact your revenge on him, then and there. It's risky, but pretty cool. You could sacrifice your partner, I suppose, see where that gets you. Maybe throw yourself at your enemy's mercy.

Oh, or how about this one? Don't fucking miss.

The Extremely Specific Learning Company would once again like to remind customers that we do not issue refunds.

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