Ice Cream FlavorsVANILLA
I really hate that the word "vanilla" has come to be associated with things that are mundane or average or bland. Yes, vanilla ice cream is the most common. But by God, there's a reason for that. It's because it's delicious. If you really wanted to describe someone as being bland, you'd say, "He's nice, but he's kind of like unflavored ice-milk." You certainly wouldn't say "He's kind of vanilla." Because if you did, I would have to reply, "Oh, you mean he beautifully complements what surrounds him, but is also good on his own and has a wonderful, but not overwhelming taste?" Because that's what you'd be saying. Plus 10 bullets.
CHOCOLATE
My feelings about chocolate are rather mixed, at best. On its own, more or less unhindered by outside influences, chocolate ice cream is good. Great, actually. But as soon as you start mixing it with other things, there's trouble. Why? Well, just about everything that goes with ice cream is made of chocolate, except for maybe peanuts or sprinkles (and there are even chocolate ones of those). And I have a serious problem with chocolate overkill. Chocolate syrup on chocolate ice cream? That's really, genuinely gross. I know there are a lot of chocolate fanatics out there who love double-chocolate-fudge with syrupy toppings or whatever. But let me tell you something. Those people are unwell. That's like mixing scotch with bourbon with more scotch. You need balance, people. Seriously. 0 bullets.
STRAWBERRY
Often neglected among the Neopolitan flavors, strawberry ice cream is actually pretty damn good. Certainly it's the only non-sherbet fruit-flavored ice cream that's worth much. Sure, some people might say that black cherry or peach is good, but I don't trust those people and am frankly afraid to listen to a word they say. First it's peach ice cream, then they're convincing me to buy fradulent insurance policies and to invest in their upstart landscaping business. And then what? I'm standing there holding the bag while they run off to Carribean with that money I thought was going to help me put some lovely shrubs on some old lady's lawn. And then they're going to use my venture capital to buy poppies and develop it into heroin, furthering the international drug trade. And it was all because of non-strawberry, fruit-flavored ice cream. I'll stick with strawberry, thank you very much. Plus 5 bullets.
MINT
Pretty much any mint-flavored anything has one serious problem for me. And that's that I have a unwavering association between mint flavoring and dental care. Shove anything minty under my nose and I'll immediately flash back to sitting in some medieval-era dentist's chair, my mouth stuffed with rubbery contraptions that were too large for my mouth, filled to the brim with a minty flouride substance, rubbing against the back of my throat, causing my gag reflex to go crazy and send me into spasms. So the idea that I would want my ice cream to have the same flavor as the stuff that was the central point of the torture I would have to endure every six months isn't just off-putting. It's damn near horrifying. Also, mint ice cream is usually sort of pea-soup green, which just isn't all that enticing anyway. Minus 7 bullets.
COFFEE
Here's a note to anyone who wants to ingest something that tastes like coffee: drink coffee. "But MW," I hear you saying through my very powerful computer speakers, "coffee ice cream allows me to enjoy the delicious taste of coffee, a hot drink, during the summer months when the heat is so oppressive." Here's another note for you, jack-ass: drink iced coffee. They have that now. There is absolutely no reason for you want ice cream that tastes like coffee. Coffee tastes bad. The only reason it's so popular is because it gives people a jolt of caffeine in the morning that allows them to get through their mundane workdays. The flavor is designed such that you grimace every time you drink it, which allows you to wake up your facial muscles for a long day of work. If you've become addicted enough to the stuff to make it so you want your leisure foods to have the same taste, you've lost it. Seek help. Minus 4 bullets.
CREAM CHEESE
I needed a sixth thing to...opine on for this piece, so I went looking around on various websites to find another ice cream flavor that isn't just an existing flavor with stuff in it (or a fruit, which I've already established my feelings about). The Baskin Robbins website yielded "Creole Cream Cheese," which apparently is a regional flavor of theirs. My first reaction to this was, "Auuugh! Blaagh! Cheese ice cream! Bleaargh!" followed by several hours of vomiting all over the room. But then I thought about it for a minute and realized that this was cream cheese (not to be confused with cottage cheese, for which, I reiterate, "Blurggh!"). And that's the stuff cheesecake is made of. And actually that might be a pretty decent ice cream flavor. If it's not overdone or too strong, in fact, it could be a damn good ice cream flavor. I mean, I probably wouldn't want it to fill my ice cream sandwich, but I could certainly tolerate it on one or perhaps even two occasions. Plus 1 bullet.
You'll notice I left out flavors like chocolate chip and cookies 'n' cream and pistachio. Well that's because those are all just vanilla ice cream with stuff in it. Seriously, let's give vanilla the credit it deserves. Not only is it great, it's also versatile.
You'll notice I left out flavors like chocolate chip and cookies 'n' cream and pistachio. Well that's because those are all just vanilla ice cream with stuff in it. Seriously, let's give vanilla the credit it deserves. Not only is it great, it's also versatile.
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