A Thorough Examination of the State of Our World Today
Ladies and gentlemen, I have traveled all over the world and I have come to many conclusions about the state of our planet today. Things are changing, my friends. Important things. Things we may not want to change. Let me give you a few examples.
First, the toothbrush. For decades, no, centuries, the toothbrush remained unchanged. Now, in our modern times, new innovations in toothbrush technology are being found daily. Ruffled bristles and gum-massaging rubbery tips? Bendy necks and padding? This, I posit, is unnatural. Toothbrushes should either be the straight-on, utilitarian objects one is provided with at the dentist or nothing. Here is where my concern about the world began.
In my travels, I have discovered many other disconcerting facts. Toilet paper has become quilted. Yes, you heard me correctly. It is as if it was hand-stitched by an artisan of great skill! I can hardly tell the difference between my rectal cleaning material and my silken hand-towels! I'm sure through this you can see my personal, private dilemma.
My correspondence among friends has become unreadable and vomitous. It is no longer hand-written with pens fashioned of quill, but rather are "typed" out on electronical typing machines in dark corners and in moldy basements, where people sniffle out complaints concerning films constructed to make it look like aliens and humans war among the stars or that men dress up as bats so as to better perform criminal investigations. There is no need even now for paper! With everything impersonal and oddly glowing on screens, I no longer have the leisure time to discuss my scroll reading and opium abuse.
My dysentery medication no longer comes in an easily consumed ear-powder. Instead, my apothecariate magistrate recommends I take some sort of hardened, small, swallowable pebble to treat my maladies. I am suspicious of this practice. Would it not be a simple and even expectable occurrence for one to slip a bit of iocaine or cyanide within? Medicatory practice has become corruptible and harsh.
I worry for our world, friends. You should perhaps worry for me.
First, the toothbrush. For decades, no, centuries, the toothbrush remained unchanged. Now, in our modern times, new innovations in toothbrush technology are being found daily. Ruffled bristles and gum-massaging rubbery tips? Bendy necks and padding? This, I posit, is unnatural. Toothbrushes should either be the straight-on, utilitarian objects one is provided with at the dentist or nothing. Here is where my concern about the world began.
In my travels, I have discovered many other disconcerting facts. Toilet paper has become quilted. Yes, you heard me correctly. It is as if it was hand-stitched by an artisan of great skill! I can hardly tell the difference between my rectal cleaning material and my silken hand-towels! I'm sure through this you can see my personal, private dilemma.
My correspondence among friends has become unreadable and vomitous. It is no longer hand-written with pens fashioned of quill, but rather are "typed" out on electronical typing machines in dark corners and in moldy basements, where people sniffle out complaints concerning films constructed to make it look like aliens and humans war among the stars or that men dress up as bats so as to better perform criminal investigations. There is no need even now for paper! With everything impersonal and oddly glowing on screens, I no longer have the leisure time to discuss my scroll reading and opium abuse.
My dysentery medication no longer comes in an easily consumed ear-powder. Instead, my apothecariate magistrate recommends I take some sort of hardened, small, swallowable pebble to treat my maladies. I am suspicious of this practice. Would it not be a simple and even expectable occurrence for one to slip a bit of iocaine or cyanide within? Medicatory practice has become corruptible and harsh.
I worry for our world, friends. You should perhaps worry for me.
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