Things Vegetarians Don't Eat Part IBACON
Sorry, vegetarians, I gotta disagree with you on this one. Bacon is...well...it's awesome. On any given occasion, I will take bacon if offered to me. Seriously, I eat sandwiches that are made of nothing but bacon and bread. I mean, JUST BACON AND BREAD. Give it up guys, bacon rocks. I think I might secretly be in love with it. Plus 15 bullets.
KIDNEYS
Now, on this one I've gotta go with the vegetarians. Vegetarians don't eat kidneys and neither do I, and I have to say, it's with good cause. First of all, nephrons are just outright hard to chew, and kind of tickle on the way down the esophagus. Even kidneys that are ground up and deep fried are pretty gross, and I'll eat pretty much anything that way. Granted, the British eat "kidney pie," and it's supposed to be some kind of delicacy, but they also eat "blood pudding" and drink beer that could be used as epoxy, so I don't really look to them to be expert gourmands. Minus 5 bullets.
SCHOOL BUSES
Once again, the vegetarians are right not to eat these. I tried scarfing down a school bus one time and I barely managed to choke down the rear bumper. Really, even if a school bus was somewhat tasty (and they aren't--there's just something about the thing having "wash me" written into the dust on the back windshield that makes one lose his appetite) eating one's just plain impractical. And if try to eat one on the South Beach diet, well, can just forget your weekly plan altogether. Minus 3 bullets.
OTHER VEGETARIANS
While vegetarians are not something that I'm inclined to eat, I have to say that they're off the mark on this one. Now, I'm no proponent of cannibalism, nor am I a cannibal myself, but this is something I would like to see. I mean, imagine the simple spectator value of seeing a lacto-ovo take it to a vegan in a steel cage match, rendering asunder the tender flesh of the weak one, and roasting his body over an open spit! This Sunday, $49.95, only on Pay-Per-View! Plus 3 bullets.
R&B SINGING SENSATION BOYZ II MEN
Even though a 1992 issue of Billboard Magazine referred to the diminutive Shawn Stockman, the effervescent Wanya Morris, the fun-loving Mike McCary and the silky-voiced Nate Morris, known collectively as Boyz II Men as "good enough to eat" (and also as "the next Bel Biv Devoe"), vegetarians still haven't caught on to the trend, and as a result have lost my respect and that of many others. Plus 1 bullet.
THE PLANET JUPITER
Jupiter's mass is almost entirely composed of hydrogen and helium (while it contains some other heavier gases and some trace metals, they are almost negligable). It is the fourth brightest object from the sky and has a mass equal to that of more than one thousand earths. It has thirty-nine known satellites and its core is approximately 20,000 Kelvins. And frankly, let's face it, Saturn makes for a much, much more satisfying midday snack. Minus 7 bullets.
And so, What Vegetarians Don't Eat ends up with a total of positive 4 bullets. Thus, I'm off to take a big bite out of a lamb chop. MMMMM-BOY!
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