Subject: Morning Person
Dear MW,
I am not what scientists call a "day person". What is a good way I can rise and shine nice and early enough not to get "fired" from my "job".
Sincerely Yours,
Jobberwocky Epidermis
Jobberwocky,
I have determined from your precise, yet frequent use of quotation marks that you believe the terms "day person," "fired," and "job" to be inaccurate labels for the things you're describing. Of course, that leads me to assume that this is intended to be some sort of elaborate Mad Libs-style puzzle torture in which I will be forced to generate the proper words and digest a shard of broken glass with each incorrect guess of said words. But I have neither the time nor the fortitude to haphazardly generate adjectives and silly nouns (like the oft-used "poop") and consume sharp, transparent substances. As such, I will answer the question as written.
I, personally, am not a scientist, nor do I ever intend to be. But I do watch a lot of TV, and as a result I am an expert on nearly every subject imaginable, including sleep and the deprivation thereof. Here are a few tips that will help you get an early start on the day, with almost no help from illicit substances, though I'm not sayin' that an illicit substance isn't necessary every now and again. Don't worry, I know a guy.
1. Scorn your friends and loved ones.
Many times, people we know get in the way of the most important thing in the world ever: a good night's sleep. How often have you been out with people "having fun" only to arrive home at a time several hours later than you intended? Too often, that's how..um....often...you have...I would bet. Anyway, the only way one can possibly avoid these sorts of situations and acquire the rest they truly need is to respond to his or her so-called friends and family as the character in the provided scenario:
"FRIEND": Hey man, come on out with us! We're going out to celebrate your birthday!
YOU: I'm afraid I cannot. I must acquire the necessary hours of sleep required for a full day before I go to my place of business on the morrow.
"FRIEND": But it's your birthday. And it's four in the afternoon. And tomorrow is Saturday.
YOU: I'm afriad this conversation has exceeded my daily alotted leisure time. Let us continue it on some later date, perhaps in September.
"FRIEND": Man, dude, you're being a total dick about this.
YOU: I would contend that that sounds quite like an activity your mother would participate in on a semi-regular basis.
You see what happened there? You'll get the sleep you want and your "friend" will get totally owned.
2. Keep the lights off.
In the early days of man, hunter-gatherers had intricately defined internal clocks which allowed them to fall asleep and wake up on a regular schedule. The reason this internal clock worked so well was that the day was defined by the amount of time there was natural light. Which, of course, can mean only one thing: artificial light is what's keeping you awake at night. To combat this affront to your sleep schedule, never turn on electric lights in your home. In fact, you're probably best off removing all light bulbs from their sockets, just to be sure. If you're feeling particularly adventurous, shut off all the power in your home. Only then will you truly have the restful night that God intended, and which has since been ruined by mankind's arrogance.
Man, Thomas Edison was such a douche.
3. Take between twelve and fourteen showers a day.
I'm sure you've heard that nothing wakes one up like a cold shower. If coffee commercials are to be believed, the combination of a shower and simply sniffing ground-up coffee beans makes a person more alert and awake than anything else. By that logic, numerous showers will cause one to be what I have dubbed Super-Awake -- a state of alertness and control that allows one to perceieve things with heightened senses and even react to things with some sort of slow-motion bullet time effect. I advise that one take the showers while sniffing a can of coffee, preferably one with crystals in it. The crystals are key.
4. Quit your job and/or schooling.
Often, the greatest cause of one's stress and unrest is something work-related. The best way to deal with this problem is to cut it off at the source and resign from your post as student or employee. Only then can you finally get enough rest to get to work on time and keep from being fired. Your boss will certainly appreciate it.
5. Purchase an alarm clock.
To really get that jump on the day, it might be a good idea to make use of a device that alerts you with an appropriately loud noise that it is, indeed, time to get up. (In conjuction with the suggestions from tip number 2, a battery-powered device might be most useful.)
I hope that helps. But seriously, one call and I can get you some stuff that'll keep you up all day. All week, if you want it. Things'll be pretty blurry, and you might not be able to talk with anything other than a series of clicks that only you and your imaginary alien friend Groznar can understand, but you'll be totally wired.
Have a mailbag question for MW? Send me an e-mail. --------
I am not what scientists call a "day person". What is a good way I can rise and shine nice and early enough not to get "fired" from my "job".
Sincerely Yours,
Jobberwocky Epidermis
Jobberwocky,
I have determined from your precise, yet frequent use of quotation marks that you believe the terms "day person," "fired," and "job" to be inaccurate labels for the things you're describing. Of course, that leads me to assume that this is intended to be some sort of elaborate Mad Libs-style puzzle torture in which I will be forced to generate the proper words and digest a shard of broken glass with each incorrect guess of said words. But I have neither the time nor the fortitude to haphazardly generate adjectives and silly nouns (like the oft-used "poop") and consume sharp, transparent substances. As such, I will answer the question as written.
I, personally, am not a scientist, nor do I ever intend to be. But I do watch a lot of TV, and as a result I am an expert on nearly every subject imaginable, including sleep and the deprivation thereof. Here are a few tips that will help you get an early start on the day, with almost no help from illicit substances, though I'm not sayin' that an illicit substance isn't necessary every now and again. Don't worry, I know a guy.
1. Scorn your friends and loved ones.
Many times, people we know get in the way of the most important thing in the world ever: a good night's sleep. How often have you been out with people "having fun" only to arrive home at a time several hours later than you intended? Too often, that's how..um....often...you have...I would bet. Anyway, the only way one can possibly avoid these sorts of situations and acquire the rest they truly need is to respond to his or her so-called friends and family as the character in the provided scenario:
"FRIEND": Hey man, come on out with us! We're going out to celebrate your birthday!
YOU: I'm afraid I cannot. I must acquire the necessary hours of sleep required for a full day before I go to my place of business on the morrow.
"FRIEND": But it's your birthday. And it's four in the afternoon. And tomorrow is Saturday.
YOU: I'm afriad this conversation has exceeded my daily alotted leisure time. Let us continue it on some later date, perhaps in September.
"FRIEND": Man, dude, you're being a total dick about this.
YOU: I would contend that that sounds quite like an activity your mother would participate in on a semi-regular basis.
You see what happened there? You'll get the sleep you want and your "friend" will get totally owned.
2. Keep the lights off.
In the early days of man, hunter-gatherers had intricately defined internal clocks which allowed them to fall asleep and wake up on a regular schedule. The reason this internal clock worked so well was that the day was defined by the amount of time there was natural light. Which, of course, can mean only one thing: artificial light is what's keeping you awake at night. To combat this affront to your sleep schedule, never turn on electric lights in your home. In fact, you're probably best off removing all light bulbs from their sockets, just to be sure. If you're feeling particularly adventurous, shut off all the power in your home. Only then will you truly have the restful night that God intended, and which has since been ruined by mankind's arrogance.
Man, Thomas Edison was such a douche.
3. Take between twelve and fourteen showers a day.
I'm sure you've heard that nothing wakes one up like a cold shower. If coffee commercials are to be believed, the combination of a shower and simply sniffing ground-up coffee beans makes a person more alert and awake than anything else. By that logic, numerous showers will cause one to be what I have dubbed Super-Awake -- a state of alertness and control that allows one to perceieve things with heightened senses and even react to things with some sort of slow-motion bullet time effect. I advise that one take the showers while sniffing a can of coffee, preferably one with crystals in it. The crystals are key.
4. Quit your job and/or schooling.
Often, the greatest cause of one's stress and unrest is something work-related. The best way to deal with this problem is to cut it off at the source and resign from your post as student or employee. Only then can you finally get enough rest to get to work on time and keep from being fired. Your boss will certainly appreciate it.
5. Purchase an alarm clock.
To really get that jump on the day, it might be a good idea to make use of a device that alerts you with an appropriately loud noise that it is, indeed, time to get up. (In conjuction with the suggestions from tip number 2, a battery-powered device might be most useful.)
I hope that helps. But seriously, one call and I can get you some stuff that'll keep you up all day. All week, if you want it. Things'll be pretty blurry, and you might not be able to talk with anything other than a series of clicks that only you and your imaginary alien friend Groznar can understand, but you'll be totally wired.
Have a mailbag question for MW? Send me an e-mail. --------