Opening Band
How's everybody doin' out there?
(silence)
Ahem. Um...the song you just heard was one of the ones we just wrote backstage before the show. We actually wrote, like, seventeen, but we argued for a while and that was the only one we could agree on to play. In case you didn't catch the title it was called "The Bell Tolls for Bea," a title I came up with when I was simultaneously reading Ernest Borgnine's For Whom the Bell Tolls and watching The Andy Griffith Show.
(Band mate comes up and whispers in singer's ear)
Oh, sorry, my friend Tim here just said that I was wrong about that name. Apparently I was watching The Andy Hemingway Show. Andy Hemingway Show.
(Audience member audibly shouts, "Idiot!")
Anyway, in just a minute we'll be getting to our next song, entitled "Song" because we like to think of ourselves as post-modernists, which you can find on our brand new album, "Sexy Naked Nuns," which will be on sale by the dumpster out back after the show. CD's are twelve dollars, tapes are five, if you're still into that kind of thing. But, you know, I've got my brother Jimmy working back there and if I know him, some of you fine ladies out there in the audience just need to show a little skin for some free electromagnetics.
(Laughs, looks back at band mates, sniffles, lone boo from audience member)
My Uncle Charlie would like to thank all of you for coming out to The Money-Grubbing Weasel tonight to see us--remember that all beer is half-price after payment of the first half, and that you can eat as many peanuts as you want for free as long as you pay for them.
(Bottle flies onto stage)
Well, uh, I know you guys are waiting anxiously for the ComaSniffles, who will be out after our next song and an hour or so of hard drinking in their dressing room and awkward stalling from the concert promoter. In case you forgot, we're Live Lobster Special, and we'll be opening for the Sniffles until the 14th, so if you like what we're doing here, come catch another show.
(Young girl cries out, "We hate you!")
Let me introduce the members of the band one more time.
(Loud sigh from female audience member)
On bass, we have Carlo "Carlo" Carlsbad, who worked with me for a while at the Orange Julius. On lead guitar, Petey "Jungle Man" Warren, who got his nickname from watching George of the Jungle, the movie not the cartoon, a total of 48 times in 4 days. On drums, Kenny "I constantly hit myself in the head with my drumsticks" Timmons. On triangle, Thomas "I'll never get famous playing the triangle" Harrison. On the bandsaw, we have Cletus "Hog-wrestler" Hatfield. Playing the walrus is Cornelius Battersworth. And singing backup, say hello to Kate "I begged Paul to let me be in the band or I'll break up with him and screw his cousin Jeff from the ComaSniffles" Griffith. I play rhythm guitar and sing, my name's Paul "Not that Paul McCartney" McCartney.
And now, our last song of the night.
(Audience covers ears, goes to get another drink)
(silence)
Ahem. Um...the song you just heard was one of the ones we just wrote backstage before the show. We actually wrote, like, seventeen, but we argued for a while and that was the only one we could agree on to play. In case you didn't catch the title it was called "The Bell Tolls for Bea," a title I came up with when I was simultaneously reading Ernest Borgnine's For Whom the Bell Tolls and watching The Andy Griffith Show.
(Band mate comes up and whispers in singer's ear)
Oh, sorry, my friend Tim here just said that I was wrong about that name. Apparently I was watching The Andy Hemingway Show. Andy Hemingway Show.
(Audience member audibly shouts, "Idiot!")
Anyway, in just a minute we'll be getting to our next song, entitled "Song" because we like to think of ourselves as post-modernists, which you can find on our brand new album, "Sexy Naked Nuns," which will be on sale by the dumpster out back after the show. CD's are twelve dollars, tapes are five, if you're still into that kind of thing. But, you know, I've got my brother Jimmy working back there and if I know him, some of you fine ladies out there in the audience just need to show a little skin for some free electromagnetics.
(Laughs, looks back at band mates, sniffles, lone boo from audience member)
My Uncle Charlie would like to thank all of you for coming out to The Money-Grubbing Weasel tonight to see us--remember that all beer is half-price after payment of the first half, and that you can eat as many peanuts as you want for free as long as you pay for them.
(Bottle flies onto stage)
Well, uh, I know you guys are waiting anxiously for the ComaSniffles, who will be out after our next song and an hour or so of hard drinking in their dressing room and awkward stalling from the concert promoter. In case you forgot, we're Live Lobster Special, and we'll be opening for the Sniffles until the 14th, so if you like what we're doing here, come catch another show.
(Young girl cries out, "We hate you!")
Let me introduce the members of the band one more time.
(Loud sigh from female audience member)
On bass, we have Carlo "Carlo" Carlsbad, who worked with me for a while at the Orange Julius. On lead guitar, Petey "Jungle Man" Warren, who got his nickname from watching George of the Jungle, the movie not the cartoon, a total of 48 times in 4 days. On drums, Kenny "I constantly hit myself in the head with my drumsticks" Timmons. On triangle, Thomas "I'll never get famous playing the triangle" Harrison. On the bandsaw, we have Cletus "Hog-wrestler" Hatfield. Playing the walrus is Cornelius Battersworth. And singing backup, say hello to Kate "I begged Paul to let me be in the band or I'll break up with him and screw his cousin Jeff from the ComaSniffles" Griffith. I play rhythm guitar and sing, my name's Paul "Not that Paul McCartney" McCartney.
And now, our last song of the night.
(Audience covers ears, goes to get another drink)
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