Vladislav
From: Vladislav
Subject: Did you get my message?
Judi, Not sure if you got my last message. Let me know if you got it. I have had no reply.
Vladislav
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Dude, I'm not sure I know how to break this to you, but...Judi's gone, man. she hasn't been here in, oh, I'd say at least two weeks. I know you're taking this hard, but, she has her own things going on, you know? Like, you know, issues and stuff. I don't understand women either, man. Oh, she did leave this letter for you, though. Here, why don't you just read it for yourself?
I hope this letter finds you well. I offer up my sincerest apologies for being out of communcation with you these past months. For many weeks both my hands were broken after an incident involving a wagon wheel and a roving band of Mennonite ruffians. I will not trouble you with the details, but you must know that I was meaning to write you and indeed dictated a number of letters to my brother, Steven, who I discovered only yesterday had his ears and tongue removed by the aforementioned ruffians four weeks ago.
It has been a busy season at father's farm, and a number of the unwashed migrant workers we employ for leaf-picking have begun discussions of an uprising. At the very least this is what I am told, as I tend to find their devil's language to be both unnerving and boorish. My love-making with them, sometimes in groups of eight or ten, is often tainted by my hearing it.
I have spent the majority of my days in my sitting room, on several occasions viewing films concerning the busting of ghosts. I delight in them. I wonder, are you aware of what has happened to Rick Moranis? For some time, he was in many worthwhile productions, such as the giant man-eating plant musical, but has been in almost nothing since. If I were more inclined toward hyperbole and humorous observation, I might even say he has disappeared from the earth.
I am aware that you still have feelings for me, dear Vladislav, as I still do for you. It is unfortunate for the both of us that my feelings generally tend more toward disgust and hatred. Do not be concerned that it is something that you have done that has made me feel this way toward you. Indeed, I have despised you from the beginning, ever since you kidnapped me at a Target store and held me within the confines of an airport locker for six-and-a-half years.
At least we will always have those memories. Please do not write back.
Yours because you say so,
Judi
Hey, sorry dude. But, yeah, what did happen to Rick Moranis?
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From: LonelyHart1962
Subject: MW, Will you be my friend?
Dear MW,
Sometimes when I'm sitting by myself in the dark, I pretend that we talk. In my head, it goes something like this:
Me: "Hey MW."
MW: "Hi girl-I-don't-know."
Me: "I brought you a cookie."
MW: "I don't want your damn cookies."
Me: "Oh."
Sometimes it varies, like what you're wearing, or what kind of baked goods I try to give you.
Sincerely,
LonelyHart1962 (IM me! LOL!)
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I have two things to say about this e-mail. First and foremost, this is way too funny. Here I am, trying to make fun of people who take time out to e-mail me, and here you are, going out of your way to do my job for me and send me an e-mail about how you sit and the dark and think about giving me baked goods while I wear different things. That's hilarious, and I won't stand for it.
On top of that, you completely nailed my character. I hate cookies! And you're right! I don't know you! I consider this to be both amazing and diabolical. Perhaps even part of some evil scheme to take over the MW Website altogether.
Not that I'm terribly concerned, mind you, I just wonder...why?
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From: Vivian Bracewell
Subject: IMDb
Arsenic and Old Lace, a favorite movie of mine, should get props for the ultimate low score on IMDb, as it references to an inferior incarnation of itself, and then back again.
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It just wouldn't be a mailbag without an IMDb e-mail, now would it?
Actually, this is the thing I've been wanting to hear, though. The spectre of lowest-scoring IMDb game movie has haunted my dreams for over a year now. And here it is, I'm pretty sure. So now, right here in the mailbag, I'm adding a new twist to the IMDb game. Now, not only should you go for the longest progression, but in the meantime, it's your job to find the most recommended movie on the Internet Movie Database. Now, we all know that The Godfather is recommended a lot. Let's find some others. What movies do the IMDb people want folks to see most?
If you find something, let me know.