The trouble with bowler hats is that they have this reputation. The reputation being, of course, that they are only worn by silent film comedians and comedy duos of the early talkie period. A fine group to say the least, but pretty limiting. I know, I know, that's not the truth about bowlers, you're telling me. A versatile group of everyday gentlemen, just like you or I, wear bowler hats on a regular basis. Why, I'm wearing a bowler hat right now, you say. Well, I'm sorry, but I must assume you're Stan Laurel. I simply can't change that. Minus 3 bullets.

Here's the good thing about toupees and wigs: They are hilarious. No matter what the context, a grown man in a pink wig is just damn funny. He could be telling you he just got diagnosed with Crohn's disease and it wouldn't matter, because he would be wearing a pink wig. Toupees are funny on a slightly different level; you have to first notice that it's a toupee and then find all the obvious discrepancies between hair colors and snicker when it moves. Either way, both are hilarious, and I commend those brave souls who wear them. Plus 4 bullets.

Continue reading "Things That Can Be Worn On And About The Head, Part 2" »

Posted by MW at 11:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Cathy O. Lyon wrote:

Well, Cathy, those shoes are really nice.

_______________________________________________

Brandi J. Gunn wrote:

Oh shit. I thought the order form said pines. Boy, is my face red.

_______________________________________________

Bob Spinder wrote:

Why can't you check out the watch? Is there something wrong with your eyes, Bob? And when did you start using the accent of a 1920s-style newspaper salesboy?

Continue reading "Responses to Statements Expressed in Spam Subject Lines" »

Posted by MW at 10:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hey errbody.

As you can see, I have now finally transferred this old rickety blog over to my new home with The International Society of Supervillains. Despite being forced into a humor-writing labor camp and being fed my own toenails for every meal, it's turning into a pretty good working relationship, I think.

Anyway, I'm asking you fine folks to help me out and let me know if there are any major bugs or broken links or other problems on the blog now that I've moved it. I know that most of the old comments are gone (not sure why), which is a shame. So if you're that Australian rapper I made fun of that one time who left me a comment saying I have a smooth anus, please, do so again.

But if there's anything else, by all means shoot me an e-mail at the.mwb@gmail.com.

Posted by MW at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's what makes top hats so awesome: Evil villains or tap dancers or oil tycoons or Abraham Lincoln can wear them and, you know what, it just seems right. Top hats are some damnably versatile that I wouldn't doubt that some famous actor, say, a Matthew McConaughey, couldn't just go out and wear one and not be the talk of the town. Folks, they would say, have you seen that fella McConaughey? He sure does look mighty spiffy in that velvety top hat of his. And you know what? They wouldn't be wrong. So, come on, guy. Do it for the people. Plus 7 bullets.

By itself, and worn properly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the conventional baseball cap. In fact, I couldn't imagine a baseball player in anything else, except maybe a top hat. But like so many other things in today's society, people have had to go and ruin something that's pure and simple and good. People wore them backwards and that was one thing. It was acceptable. But then it was sideways. And then upside down. And then with the tags still on them. And worst of all, intentionally frayed and torn. You ruined baseball caps, guys who buy them already all beaten up. I hope you're proud of yourselves. Minus 4 bullets.

Continue reading "Things That Can Be Worn On And About the Head, Part 1" »

Posted by MW at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

You may have been wondering if I had died sometime over the past few weeks.

I didn't. No, instead I have been working on a super-secret special project that I'll be telling you about soon. Also, I went to Lollapalooza. (Daft Punk was ridiculously awesome.)

New stuff soon, promise.

--------

Posted by MW at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The major convenience of pencils actually has nothing to do with the writing utensil itself. Rather, it has more to do with the ability to discard your writing fuck-ups and comes on the entire other end of the thing. To say that a pencil is a worthwhile writing utensil because of the eraser is like saying it would be nice to have some kind of knife with a alcohol-soaked cotton ball on the end. If you accidentally stab your mother (don't ask my why that would happen, you did it), you've got some first aid right there. Well, that doesn't really have anything to do with the knife. The problems with pencils, on the other hand, are myriad. First, there's the sharpening, which often doesn't work right and makes you end up with a nub or one of those situations where the lead is only on one side of the tip. Or you can use mechanical pencils, which come in one of two types: 1) the cheap kind with the erasers so bad you might as well not even use a pencil, or 2) the expensive ones that make you look like a douche when you use them. Face it, you can't win with pencils. Minus 5 bullets.

Here's the best thing about a good pen: when used properly, you can raise your asshole quotient substantially without really doing much of anything. And I mean that in a good way. Let me give you an example. Let's say you just picked up the day's New York Times because you like drawing mustaches on Condoleeza Rice and there's a nice big picture of her on the front page. You draw a huge curly mustache under her nose and head to work with the newspaper under your arm. When you get there, you walk into the break room and pour yourself a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, you overhear two of your co-workers who you hate talking about last night's "So You Think You Can Stuff a Whole Bunch of Bananas Into Your Anus" or something. Just to piss them off, you take a seat right down at the table next to them and flip to the Times crossword. You then yank your fancy Mont Blanc and start filling in the puzzle. Disgusted, they leave, thinking you're a pompous prick who doesn't think he ever makes a mistake (and also much smarter than them). And even though you've been filling in each answer with the word "SCROTY" (or "SCROTYBOATS" depending on the number of letters) you've managed to fill them with contempt. Congratulations! Plus 4 bullets.

Continue reading "Writing Utensils" »

Posted by MW at 9:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)